04-04-2016, 09:04 AM
Futility and depression feels very strong today, almost like dread. Maybe because I didn't get much sleep for two nights in a row (4 hours or less each), maybe because I feel unprepared and/or under-prepared for the two major exams I have today, I don't know which is the greater influence to this feeling right now. I feel the need to keep scolding myself, saying "buck up" and "take your medicine and learn from it" as if these exams aren't directly important to my grades and my progress in college.
I've already enumerated what occupies space in my head currently with my therapist a couple of days ago and he insists my experience is not normal and is impressed that I haven't given up. Even in a university setting where people in my major and my classes have better grades and GPAs than I do, there are still people who consider me smart and helpful and I feel pressured to live up to those expectations. Even a friend of mine who went to school with me as a kid who became a very successful accountant at a prestigious firm believed I was smarter than he was/is.
The difference is before IML subs I probably would have folded under the pressure, but with these motivational audio programs giving me nonstop positive encouragement 12 hours a day my first thought in circumstances like these is "it is still achievable" and that I will survive the trials ahead of me. But how do I do that when the odds are stacked so thoroughly against me?
I've already enumerated what occupies space in my head currently with my therapist a couple of days ago and he insists my experience is not normal and is impressed that I haven't given up. Even in a university setting where people in my major and my classes have better grades and GPAs than I do, there are still people who consider me smart and helpful and I feel pressured to live up to those expectations. Even a friend of mine who went to school with me as a kid who became a very successful accountant at a prestigious firm believed I was smarter than he was/is.
The difference is before IML subs I probably would have folded under the pressure, but with these motivational audio programs giving me nonstop positive encouragement 12 hours a day my first thought in circumstances like these is "it is still achievable" and that I will survive the trials ahead of me. But how do I do that when the odds are stacked so thoroughly against me?
A Better Alex (ISTJ): EPRHA → ASC → AM6 → …
A Sexy Alex (ESTJ-T): BIABWS+DAOS → DMSI → …
A Better Alex (ENFJ-T): AM6 → …
A Sexy Alex (ESTJ-T): BIABWS+DAOS → DMSI → …
A Better Alex (ENFJ-T): AM6 → …