A Better Alex, stage 2: ASC Journal

[apollolux]

Which program is that? I'm always on the lookout for useful exercises to incorporate into my less structured routines.

[Benjamin]

Strong Bastard 911. I'm only starting Week 3 this week but i'm enjoying it. Alot of supersets and similar things, higher rep exercises which should be good to help me lose some fat again.

[hiddenalias]

I just want to know how ASC changed your life; because all I see is negative outcomes that you are describing? or am I missing something?

[apollolux]

I'm still listening and things are still happening and I'm still making things happen, but I've reached a point where, either because of old programming yet to be overcome or because definitive results have yet to be determined, due to one of my three remaining superstitions I'm not giving details about plans I've made and things I've set in motion until I see results happen.

The original negative stuff was what led me to seek out motivational audio and subliminals, while the negative stuff that happened during listening periods was exacerbated and exaggerated by the inner conflict and lack of emotional self-control I experienced due to the conflict of positive subliminal messaging with the existing negative programming. In other words, resistance during the listening periods manifested itself as me coming across as aggressive and mentally and emotionally unstable.

The positive stuff is almost entirely internal. I've had realizations about who I was and am as a person and as a man. I've developed a cockiness bordering on arrogance that I've only ever previously expressed twice in my life (both during job interviews and regarding my experience+knowledge+skill set), and never-before-seen in a social setting. I've since regained the motivation to restore my workout routine and am going to the gym again.

My situation does not externally reflect the positive internal changes, but I still believe "it is achievable" and I am simply taking the action necessary to introduce the next catalyst I believe will be responsible for solidifying this upward positive trend towards A Better Alex and prepare me for the next subliminal listening stage.

Look at me, I still feel the need to show off my eloquence. I should decide soon if this is a thing to address or not.

[apollolux]

Posting here to note a pretty unique occurrence for me.

As I was on the train this morning to head to school a man sat next to me. This man looked a bit disheveled and people reacted to him as if he were homeless. He had a cane which he put on his lap and it started poking me. I nudged the cane away as I said to him "excuse me, your cane is poking me." He begins talking to me but I could not understand the words he was saying; his speech was garbled likely because he was missing teeth. The assumption I made based on how I attempted to interpret what he was saying was that he was telling me about how other people treat him like he is less than a person or not even there. I told him a couple of times that "I would like to have a conversation with him but I could not understand the words he was saying as his speech was garbled." He looked like he understood as I continued to stare at him directly in the eyes, my face feeling like I had a somewhat sad/neutral/soft(?) expression to it. I got off the train at my stop and reassured him that I would have liked to have understood what he was saying. I got the vibe that he might have even been a veteran.

I would have never had this interaction before ASC. I would likely have done my best to ignore this guy, maybe even going so far as to move to another car. This is the second such recent interaction on a train to school, the first being some guy who was heading all the way to Queens (a 1.5-2 hour train ride from the station he got onto the train from) to pick up a paycheck because his car was in the shop and during the train ride talked loudly about people being afraid after the Paris terrorist attacks.

[apollolux]

Posting here to note that I feel extremely upset and sad that the realization that "I'm not important enough to anyone I care about" has been extremely strong today and yesterday, and that I broke down in tears today because I feel lonely and alone on Christmas. I still don't know what I did wrong or to whom to deserve this nonsense.

Don't know how much of the realization and/or breakdown is because of subs or not, but based on experience I'm under the assumption that without subs I would not have broken down in tears at that realization the way I did today.

[apollolux]

AARGH I DID IT AGAIN >:-(

I jumped the gun on turning on my laptop, didn't confirm free space, and lost my offline journal again while typing it.

[apollolux]

The main winter holidays are come and gone, and anger and sexual frustration continue to mount. I spent Christmas alone and crying, angry that I continue to do the work but other people like the one-itis who led me to seek out self-improvement solutions like subs who don't do the work and aren't deserving have good fortune handed to them.

The TV show "My Name is Earl" had it right about karma: Where's the good?

Fortunately for me, I had some money for the New Year's Sale, so I will soon run BIABWS+DAOS.

[hiddenalias]

The main winter holidays are come and gone, and anger and sexual frustration continue to mount. I spent Christmas alone and crying, angry that I continue to do the work but other people like the one-itis who led me to seek out self-improvement solutions like subs who don't do the work and aren't deserving have good fortune handed to them.

The TV show "My Name is Earl" had it right about karma: Where's the good?

Fortunately for me, I had some money for the New Year's Sale, so I will soon run BIABWS+DAOS.

I finally notice your external results creeping in.......I am just afraid of breaking down and crying too when and if I start using ASC; I know it means that the sub is working but man I am afraid of feeling that cuz right now I am "happy" or am I? Deep rooted feelings of unhappiness may be present in my subconscious that I've blocked away over the years.....might come to surface?? I know it will have to be done but man I am afraid of going thru that "sad tearful moment"

[JackOfHearts]

The main winter holidays are come and gone, and anger and sexual frustration continue to mount. I spent Christmas alone and crying, angry that I continue to do the work but other people like the one-itis who led me to seek out self-improvement solutions like subs who don't do the work and aren't deserving have good fortune handed to them.

The TV show "My Name is Earl" had it right about karma: Where's the good?

Fortunately for me, I had some money for the New Year's Sale, so I will soon run BIABWS+DAOS.

You can still feel good even if you spend your Christmas and new year alone. It doesn't mean much to party like a crazy drunk bastard and the next morning been dead on your bed.

For the first time in my life I felt that this year party even if I stay alone I would still be happy. It's a great feeling to have and you will certainly have it too if you use sub long enough. Remember that happiness come from inside and not outside. This One-itis can have all she want externally and still feel sick, dead inside .You can play on that psychologically, like poker, you have the wrong hand but you still win because you felt stronger inside and had the gut to go for it.

[LionKing]

.....I am just afraid of breaking down and crying too when and if I start using ASC ... Deep rooted feelings of unhappiness may be present in my subconscious that I've blocked away over the years.....might come to surface?? I know it will have to be done but man I am afraid of going thru that "sad tearful moment" :-/

This might be more or less obvious, but why are you afraid of crying? Crying is the easy solution! Its just a thing that happens and then its gone and you feel better. And it doesn't even feel that bad if you remove the "This is bad, no no no" that you might be telling yourself. There's no pain, its just the body releasing. Try kicking your toes to a wall and placing your hand in a fire, that's pain. If I cry of feel very bad like this, I'm usually also smiling on the inside, because I know I'm letting something go and I'll be better afterwards. Also, the redness around the eyes brings out the green in them, so I can't resist going to look at myself in the mirror afterwards :p Just be present with it, just a like little cold shower won't really hurt you if you remove the psychological fear of experiencing it.

What's hard on you on is always flinching away from the uncomfortable feelings and running away to eating, or TV or whatever. I used to get extremely "bored" right when I started meditating, the "bored" feeling actually being little else than discomfort that I felt I needed to run away to something more high-intensity that'd cover it up. Its been such a relief lately when I'm not running away from anything in my head. Much less stress.

[apollolux]

Had late lunch/early dinner with a female friend yesterday, conversation took an emotional turn (mostly about the "being alone" stuff I posted a bit earlier) and I broke down to her and later again by myself when texting with her afterwards.

The overwhelming emotion was from anger of "doing the work and continuing to only get negative results" and the fear that I'm "fundamentally flawed" and inherently "unlovable and unfckable." So, same old stuff, just amplified by recent events.

Also, today I woke up with an upset stomach and before I even have an opportunity to eat or drink anything proceed to nauseously vomit and wait for 2 hours before risking keeping liquids down. I'm pretty much convinced it's the current anti-depressant medication, so I'm done with that too.

[hiddenalias]

.....I am just afraid of breaking down and crying too when and if I start using ASC ... Deep rooted feelings of unhappiness may be present in my subconscious that I've blocked away over the years.....might come to surface?? I know it will have to be done but man I am afraid of going thru that "sad tearful moment"

This might be more or less obvious, but why are you afraid of crying? Crying is the easy solution! Its just a thing that happens and then its gone and you feel better. And it doesn't even feel that bad if you remove the "This is bad, no no no" that you might be telling yourself. There's no pain, its just the body releasing. Try kicking your toes to a wall and placing your hand in a fire, that's pain. If I cry of feel very bad like this, I'm usually also smiling on the inside, because I know I'm letting something go and I'll be better afterwards. Also, the redness around the eyes brings out the green in them, so I can't resist going to look at myself in the mirror afterwards :p Just be present with it, just a like little cold shower won't really hurt you if you remove the psychological fear of experiencing it.

What's hard on you on is always flinching away from the uncomfortable feelings and running away to eating, or TV or whatever. I used to get extremely "bored" right when I started meditating, the "bored" feeling actually being little else than discomfort that I felt I needed to run away to something more high-intensity that'd cover it up. Its been such a relief lately when I'm not running away from anything in my head. Much less stress.

Well I do have good cries taht make me "feel good" such as when I am getting deep into music I am listening to or deeply getting into a movie I am watching...as far as I can remember the main "negative sad " cries I've encountered in my life i think maybe was 2 or 3 in my whole life time (as an adult and that doesnt include childhood years).

[apollolux]

AAUGH I LOST MY OFFLINE JOURNAL AGAIN >:-(

It was only 5 days, but still, it should not have happened. Clearly I'm failing in the diligence I should be applying towards checking whether my computer has free space or not on wakeup, and I really should follow through on finding a workable solution using my iPad instead.