A Better Alex, stage 2: ASC Journal

[apollolux]

==14 days done, month 3==
14 days done in the third month.

I don't even know what to write anymore about this ASC experience that I can consider "useful." Losing my original journal file really shook me up, four months of data for analysis is lost. Reading Rational Male (even just the blog) and Models really shook me up, years of truly believing I was genuine are lost.

I could have spent all that time (at least 10 years if not 14) actually doing the work on personality and character if I had realized how conditional I was, instead of believing the thing I needed to work on was appearance.

I've finally fallen behind on schoolwork, two classes suffering the consequences of my lack of motivation. I've alienated people who once considered themselves my friends. Women flake on setting up meets after giving me numbers. I've been forced to resign as president of my college organization. I'm unbalanced and uncalibrated internally and my efforts to prevent showing that outwardly result in creepiness, alienation, discomfort, and intimidation. It's very difficult to express any sort of confidence when I can't even reliably gauge myself as stable or even genuine.

Now I have to focus on being genuine again and congruent. The one thing I ever felt pride about personality-wise was my authenticity, now I have to do the extra work to restore that because unless I discover otherwise I still believe (even 14 years after my first girlfriend) that authenticity is going to be the foundation of my success. Oh joy, extra work.

[apollolux]

Breaking format a bit to note some extreme discomfort due to a crappy day brought on by cold sweats, nausea, etc like before. I didn't eat that granola, so I don't know what food could have done it, nor can I confirm for sure it's side effects from my medication. Fortunately my teachers were understanding.

I felt very anti-social during that suffering today, mainly because I don't feel particularly confident having people see me hunched over in stomach pains while trying to hold back vomit.

[apollolux]

Update: If this one was food related, it seems to be a reaction between my medication and cranberries, of all things, as the granola that had the stronger reaction also had cranberries in it and that's the only thing the two occasions have in common.

Today I feel unmotivated. I feel ill again, but not nauseous; this one is probably indigestion.

I'm getting more and more impatient with myself lately. I'm still angry and frustrated with myself and my lack of progress in certain areas, but where before it was general and aimless it's now instead mostly focused and directed. I know what needs improvement, but I still lack practical methods to make that improvement happen in most of those areas.

[apollolux]

Breaking format to note two things.

1. Today I experienced nausea and vomiting and can finally attribute it to the medication. I look forward to stopping this medication and coming up with a non-medication solution to the depression I currently have.

2. I just finished reading Models. It pointed out a lot of things for me to think about and fortunately some practical direction on how to accomplish what I want to achieve instead of simply saying "don't do X or Y" and leaving me completely aimless what to do.

[apollolux]

==23 days done, month 3==
23 days done in the third month.

I felt sick nearly all week last week and this time it will be very difficult to convince me it's because of anything other than the medication. It was very difficult to be motivated and productive, and many things seem to have suffered as a result. While I would definitely be justified in attributing that lack of motivation to the existing depression, so far I feel the medication has exacerbated that lack for some reason.

Nothing much else different to report. Summer 2016 is looking to bring some employment via a paid internship, but I need something usable soon if I'm going to survive the winter. Min wage is not an option as that has never worked out for me and I've almost always fared better by not having a job instead of having a min wage one. We'll see what happens.

I'm not sure how I feel right now; there's still a lot of conflict internally and I'm not yet sure what to make of it. I keep getting real numbers but no solid meets (just got one earlier tonight, and she said it was her birthday but already had plans all week and might have some time next week), and people still keep telling me the way I behave is wrong. There's no pleasing people sometimes.

[apollolux]

Breaking format a bit to note that I felt a weird hot feeling in my chest when I noticed a few minutes ago that my one-itis former friend stopped following me on Instagram. I don't know how to feel about that nor do I know what it means to me yet; gut instinct is I very much don't like it.

[apollolux]

Google NYC has an entire wing dedicated to Lego. Also, I love legos myself so in tribute to FrostedFake, CatMan, and Benjamin I will be rocking the lego icon on my journal threads from now on.

[Benjamin]

hahahaha we we're just doing it to troll Frostedfake hahahaha

Welcome to the team

[apollolux]

Groovy, thanks Ben.

Breaking format again to note that I felt the weird hot feeling in my chest again (it's a tingling and a tension of sorts, a bit like the first seconds of nausea; think butterflies in the stomach but in the chest instead) when I noticed a few minutes ago that a few people I follow on Instagram favorited photos of my one-itis. I very much don't like this feeling (reminds me of heartbreak) and don't like that I've let this girl who was never even my girlfriend affect me so deeply.

I want either to be reasonably past this or for this girl to realize her mistake and choose me. I will accept either outcome, I just want this bout of suffering to end because I have too much stuff that needs my attention and focus instead of dealing with yet another unrequited love. My desire here is closure and I don't yet feel I have it, and I continue to worry about becoming vindictive and succumbing to the lure of the dark side to ruin her life. I'll definitely need to speak to my therapist about this, and by no means do I consider this absolute self-confidence.

[apollolux]

==96 days done==
96 days done listening to ASC for 12 hours a day. What has happened in these last 96 days?

I started another full-time semester at college.

I ended a friendship I thought was deep and was officially diagnosed with depression shortly after, started medication with side effects, I was asked to resign as president of my organization, I've alienated people away, I almost ran out of money and asked for donations from numerous sources because none of the jobs I've applied for would hire me, I fell behind in classwork, I lost motivation to do pretty much anything productive, I lost my offline journal for the first 72 days AND my 32 days of EPRHA.

I got many women's real phone numbers, all flaking, I saw abs in myself for the first time in my life and finally got some proof that it is achievable, I finally got work study, I reconnected with an old classmate, I'm beginning to give my mother a chance, probably a couple of other positive things that I haven't paid attention to or processed yet.

I've felt anger, frustration, depression, apathy, futility, illness, vindictiveness. I've felt more emotion and cried more in the past 4 months than I have in the last 4 years before it. I've had realizations about my past behavior I never expected to have. I've felt lowered libido, sometimes abstaining from masturbation for up to 10 days (likely due to lack of motivation more than anything voluntary). I've felt heightened libido, sometimes masturbating up to 6 times in one day. I've felt the relief that comes from knowing it is achievable, "it" being anything in particular I've put in effort and work toward making a positive result happen. I've felt what might be true confidence for the first time in my life, a confidence I haven't even come close to feeling since 2005.

Seeing abs for the first time in my life, the results of months of hard work, and the resulting assurance that "it is achievable" was the catalyst for what I perceive to be an upswing in my life. I need another catalyst to solidify this upswing.

[Spareness]

If you still in urges financial condition, you can earn money online as a extra income. For example, work as a freelancer. You can ask me if you need help.

[Benjamin]

Good job on seeing your abs. I'd love to get to that, though my problem is even if at lower bodyfat I still have some excess skin from all the weight i've lost.

[apollolux]

Good job on seeing your abs. I'd love to get to that, though my problem is even if at lower bodyfat I still have some excess skin from all the weight i've lost.

Except for the excess skin part (which probably has more to do with the diet part than with the exercise part), may I recommend "The New Rules of Lifting for Abs" as a 12-week plan? It's what I followed and if you start it from your current condition you would very likely see abs by the end.

[Benjamin]

Cool, i'm doing another program at the moment by Joe Defranco for 11 weeks but i'll have a look. Thanks.