Fear begone - OF V3.

[Darwin]

I had my first loop this morning and it was quite pleasant. I'd say the first thing I noted today was that I was very conscious of fears and then something happened at work which made me very afraid - basically an impossible deadline which is supposedly very high stakes, that will reflect terribly on my if I get it wrong. 

Great, touches on all my major fears and the sorts of thing that normally makes me freeze.

[Darwin]

After my third rest day here's what happened. 

Day 1: I was consciously listing things i'm afraid of as i went through the day. I found myself being freer to think, and calmer but then had a huge panic attack. soon after I calmed down, took rational action and quite soberly realised that panic wasn't going to solve the problem I was facing, and that my best best was to remain calm

Day 2: I had the day off work, i resisted a temptation to log on, and made a conscious choice to take the day off. I haven't done this in about a year - i've always been doing something. I had a really fun and relaxing day. Nothing special, just buying groceries, having fun with my wife and making myself laugh with comedies - this souunds like nothing but i was seriously enjoying it, belly laughing much of the day. Probably haven't laughed like that (while sober) in years. 

Days 3-5 (break days): I resisted the urge to do more loops. I felt so much better that i just wanted more of a good thing. I started realising that along with fears coming up, my logic and reasoning was kicking in. A couple of examples. 

Taking my daughter to the park; I get self conscious normally, having a fear that some kid is going to pick on my kid and then their parent will get involved (this happens more than you might expect). It's not an easy situation to resolve, emotions run high, it can be at least very awkward and embarrassing, at most very aggressive and shaming. I had no such issue this time, in fact the situation did arise and I was able to handle it rationally, with a clear mind which was able to determine what teh appropriate boundaries were and logically be confident about the appropriate way to respond in such a situation.

Similarly, a tight work deadline, my logical brain kicks in and says 'if you want to get this done, or even stand a chance, then then stressing is counter productive, think clearly about where you can focus', as a result of this i'm able to think clearly and rationally in a circumstance i've been in many times before where I've just procrastinated because of the fear and stress and been very unproductive but hyper anxious. 

In dealing with procrastination, I could see that 'I'm afraid of proving I'm stupid, of not getting what i need to do done, of being ostrasized/spoken about behind my back for doing a bad job. 

I acknowledged quite clearly that part of my brain just doesn't want to sit down and work, and so it's perfectly fine to trick that part of my brain by talking to it and explaining that it's ok 'just to do a little bit, that it doesn't matter what happens and everything i do is great'. These are all fundamentally lies, and it's strange to explain it this way but it works!. Once i was clear there is an irrational part of my make up which approaches tasks with anxiety, building them up so i can't actually ever be successful, I reason that I can just lie to it. In terms of people talking behind my back, I reasoned that if people are talking about me behind my back when i'm clearly doing good work then it's their weakness, and it doesn't have to be mine.  There's more to the above but that sums up procrastination. 

These might seem humdrum, I can say honestly they are quite stark case studies to me for something special happening with this sub. A good benchmark for me is the fearlessness I had on self esteem when i had total self acceptance, this is kind of like that but it's less 'puffed up', it's just calm, reasonable and powerful. 

I have a bunch of other examples. Taking my kid to a trampoline park, going to a relatives' house where one relative in particular tries to push my buttons and I respond/overreact because of my fear of being dominated (which this time didn't happen because he just seemed petty and weak to me, and after a short time started behaving with alot of respect). Also deciding on eating healthily (not indulging in food which is not aligned with my goals because i fear iwon't get to enjoy anything after),  Cleaning my house where I'm able to think clearly and decide on what i want to prioritise, fixing some shelves (which i'm able to do methodically because I don't have some anxiety about not comprehending what to do).  With all of these it's like I get to use my rational mind because i haven't got this dominating fear.

It's clear to me I've not been able to make logical decisions for alot of my life, it's all been instinct and feeling, which has led me to some good places, but it's also left me quite powerless and unconfident...

Anyway I'm done for today. Another loop tomorrow.

[Darwin]

First day off of my second cycle

Day 1: Did one loop, generally relaxed day but found myself less impacted and put this down to the wierd effect/subsidence in results when I leave a review. I also self sabotaged a bit with food but then came back to myself and had a relatively productive day, though felt uneasy throughout about my pace of work. 

Day2: Did a loop but forgot to turn it off and it played for one and a half loops. Rest of the day was more nervy. I was in a bad mood, angry at myself for the slow pace of work and the overwhelm. Was angry at members of my team for not taking responsibility and then wasted my evening when i'd planned to go to the gym/work. At night i had subtly abusive text from a relative who has been doing this for years and i've ignored it up to now or just passive aggressively responded; avoiding full out confrontation. 

This time I called straight away and yelled down the phone, called him out on his passive aggressive bullshit and told him to stop being a coward and say what he has to say. He clammed up, hung up and blocked me because he couldn't handle it. I was even more angry but glad i put him in his place and he won't be doing that again soon. Now i know that he will have some way of getting revenge because he is used to dominating through passive aggression, back biting or waiting and being friendly until you slip up and i realise I had avoided full out conflict because of that. He also has a a habit of gaslighting which I also have been avoiding. Well I'm still afraid of the revenge to come, he's not so much a wolf in sheeps clothing, wolves are too majestic. More just a petty/nasty asshole in sheep's clothing who waits to hurt you if he feels his status has been challenged.

One thing was interesting about my work. For a long time i've wanted to do one simple thing which is work for a two to four hour stretch without interuption and be productive, i noted my fears arouund this and realised that failure and fear of self criticism is a big blocker. I worked on a plan to push these aside and get on with it but it didn't quite work. Instead i found ways of procrastinating which says to me fear is still coming in to play. And wierdly it's a fear that I will burn out, or be miserable/not get any happiness from the work. I will expend a lot of effot and just be dissappointed. I'll try this again today and report back.

[4Kingdoms]

Day2: Did a loop but forgot to turn it off and it played for one and a half loops.

https://subliminal-talk.com/Thread-OFv3-...#pid245472

For those who aren't aware, OF v3 is divided into three sections of about 20 minutes each. The "setup", the "fireworks" and the "wrap-up".

[Darwin]

Day2: Did a loop but forgot to turn it off and it played for one and a half loops.

https://subliminal-talk.com/Thread-OFv3-...#pid245472

For those who aren't aware, OF v3 is divided into three sections of about 20 minutes each.  The "setup", the "fireworks" and the "wrap-up".

@Shannon is it worth completing the loop in this case. I'm still on edge and angry.

[Shannon]

Day2: Did a loop but forgot to turn it off and it played for one and a half loops.

https://subliminal-talk.com/Thread-OFv3-...#pid245472

For those who aren't aware, OF v3 is divided into three sections of about 20 minutes each.  The "setup", the "fireworks" and the "wrap-up".

@Shannon is it worth completing the loop in this case. I'm still on edge and angry.

I don't design my subs to be played for less than whole loops at a time.  Since it wont be dangerous at 2 loops go ahead.

[Darwin]

What I will do then is complete a loop today. So that's three days on. Then I'll take three days off to make sure i've rested well. 

I wouldn't consider this but i'm fuming with anger all the time.

[THolt]

What I will do then is complete a loop today. So that's three days on. Then I'll take three days off to make sure i've rested well. 

I wouldn't consider this but i'm fuming with anger all the time.

Same. I’ve had bouts of anger and frustration the past few days. Probably due to the fact that I have been thinking about of all the opportunities I let slip away due to fear.

[Shannon]

You can't look back and beat yourself up over what you did when the fearful parts of you were in control. That is not productive. What is productive is to consider them, understand them, and use those experiences to outgrow those limits.

[Darwin]

I did a full loop yesterday and felt much more calm and relaxed.

[Darwin]

This is my second day of the third cycle. 

I took a three day break before this, and before that did three days of a loop each (one had half a loop extra so I added on an extra day so there would be completion, since I was getting very angry). 

The three days of break were relaxed, but emotional. I have had bouts of grief, for example seeing a picture of people in a war made my eyes well up with tears, hearing about something that had happened to a child I know also made me very emotional. I resolved several large conflicts I had, but I still feel like I could explode back at those people easily. 

My work pace is still relatively slow but things are getting done. I've been offered a new job with a minor pay rise so that's something to look forward too. 

Next two days will be days off.

[Darwin]

I have to have a meeting with someone tomorrow who I always avoid because I get tongue tied and intimidated. On top of that I've had a bunch of curve balls thrown at me which would normally send me into a tail spin. So far I'm holding firm and things are ok; I just feel an elevated/ more intense awareness, not so much fear and not quite excitement either - but more toward excitement than fear.

[Darwin]

Am finding it really helpful to continue to outline what I'm afraid of in any given moment. It helps me move into a rational space. But I seem to lack energy and drive to really grapple with what's in front of me and i don't think that's really fear. It's more like Why do I even care?, what I do is meaningless and I don't really believe what I do will make a difference. 

It's a limiting belief that I use fear to overcome. Mostly i don't see the value in anything I do, or that I will get much out of it or that there is some useful purpose to be pursued, so I rely on pressure and the fear of loss, or the desire to be told 'I'm great', for pulling something off in a short space of time. 


It's not a productive or useful way to live. 

Anyway I took two days off, by the second day off of my third cycle I was flat, not really feeling anything. A far cry from the intensity of emotions I was feeling before. So i've reduced my time off to two days and now am starting my fourth cycle. 

I feel like I could usefully do more than one loop, but I will stick to the one for now.

[MegaMan]

Am finding it really helpful to continue to outline what I'm afraid of in any given moment. It helps me move into a rational space. But I seem to lack energy and drive to really grapple with what's in front of me and i don't think that's really fear. It's more like Why do I even care?, what I do is meaningless and I don't really believe what I do will make a difference. 

Hi Darwin, I also experience this void of meaning and direction. Currently running MLS4 and will start OFv3 later this month. MLS is funny in the sense, that it brings results directly if there is no fear blocking it and if there's fear then it will bring the fear into your conscious mind and make you process it.

So what I have gathered about these feelings of meaninglessness and not making a difference is that it IS fear - the fear of change. If you have the energy and drive to grapple with what's in front of you then something will change. And a part of the subconscious seems to be fearing this change.
That's what I have gathered in my case, maybe this helps you on your journey.

Have a great weekend
MM