06-13-2018, 03:19 PM
After 3 weeks at 2 loops, I don't really know what it's doing to be true, I have noticed I am more open with my parents and honest about certain "insecurities" that I feel, but it's coming from a "strong" place if that makes sense. Before I would feel weak being vulnerable and would avoid being vulnerable to keep my stuff locked up. But it seems I can express feeling undeserving of something for example and feel less vulnerable admitting that. It's very strange. I don't let everything out, but because it is not so bad if I do, I can now choose to without feeling "less".
Another thing I have noticed come up strongly for some reason is feeling of wanting to compete and win in the game of life against my brother. This desire feels like "I gotta be better, I gotta achieve more". For some reason I have feelings that my brother is competing with me even though nothing has been said and I have feelings he thinks he is better than me. This is a weird one because my feelings are telling me this is true and it is making me want to be better, much better. Unfortunately it is making me dislike my brother even though he has not done anything....well apart from all these memories that have popped up from all my childhood and early teens lol...that might explain why I dislike him, by how he treated me when I was younger. That would explain things.
I even dislike certain things about myself even more, which is strange. Like I feel bad how I treated people in the past. I would even dislike someone and feel what I don't like about them and then memories would pop up where I did the same thing when I was younger or something...which sucks! I can't just dislike people no more because I am no angel.
Women wise I have not been out at all because I have been in a sling healing physically too. To treat myself, I will be going from London to Miami in July and staying there for 4 weeks, so that will be interesting as I will be around alot of people and socialising, which I have lacked for a while now. It will be interesting to see how I experience American girls.
I plan to just stay on A. I am bumping up to 3 loops tonight.
Another thing I have noticed come up strongly for some reason is feeling of wanting to compete and win in the game of life against my brother. This desire feels like "I gotta be better, I gotta achieve more". For some reason I have feelings that my brother is competing with me even though nothing has been said and I have feelings he thinks he is better than me. This is a weird one because my feelings are telling me this is true and it is making me want to be better, much better. Unfortunately it is making me dislike my brother even though he has not done anything....well apart from all these memories that have popped up from all my childhood and early teens lol...that might explain why I dislike him, by how he treated me when I was younger. That would explain things.
I even dislike certain things about myself even more, which is strange. Like I feel bad how I treated people in the past. I would even dislike someone and feel what I don't like about them and then memories would pop up where I did the same thing when I was younger or something...which sucks! I can't just dislike people no more because I am no angel.
Women wise I have not been out at all because I have been in a sling healing physically too. To treat myself, I will be going from London to Miami in July and staying there for 4 weeks, so that will be interesting as I will be around alot of people and socialising, which I have lacked for a while now. It will be interesting to see how I experience American girls.
I plan to just stay on A. I am bumping up to 3 loops tonight.