06-26-2018, 07:21 PM
I'm feeling really sad now. I find myself thinking about things not too long ago that felt better. But looking to the past for happiness never works and it's important to remind myself the present moment is what I make of it. Maybe it's the freedom I miss the most. I've tried my best to be a responsible adult, but honest to god I don't understand how people do this and not feel miserable in some way. I know some people don't have a choice and it's either work or be homeless, but still.
Maybe this is a piece of me longing for the safety of past days when I didn't have too many responsibilities or felt the pressure of possibly making mistakes. Maybe I still haven't moved beyond my core fears and I've just been coping with life. Most of my days feel like an internal battle between what I have to do vs what I want to do. As much as I've tried to coach myself through stuff, it all feels like a big bandaid. Like I've learned to actively fight off a part of myself that's afraid and push past things, but in the end I'm still afraid and if I don't stay vigilant I'll slip up and give in to that fear in my weaker moments.
It's just been hard. It's felt like I've just been trying to hype myself up and push myself through all this. But in the back of my head I'm thinking "I can't do this anymore". And not in a way where I don't believe in myself. More like in the fed up way, like completely exhausted of what my life has become. Now that I think of it, maybe all that pushing isn't really pushing. Maybe it's avoidance and resistance towards what DMSI is pushing me towards. It does feel like every day I'm trying to run from something or avoid an internal pressure to do something. I feel like part of me knows what has to be done but I'm too afraid to do it. So I just stay in the comfort zone way too much. My goddamn miserable comfort zone that has been anything but comfortable lately.
Maybe this is a piece of me longing for the safety of past days when I didn't have too many responsibilities or felt the pressure of possibly making mistakes. Maybe I still haven't moved beyond my core fears and I've just been coping with life. Most of my days feel like an internal battle between what I have to do vs what I want to do. As much as I've tried to coach myself through stuff, it all feels like a big bandaid. Like I've learned to actively fight off a part of myself that's afraid and push past things, but in the end I'm still afraid and if I don't stay vigilant I'll slip up and give in to that fear in my weaker moments.
It's just been hard. It's felt like I've just been trying to hype myself up and push myself through all this. But in the back of my head I'm thinking "I can't do this anymore". And not in a way where I don't believe in myself. More like in the fed up way, like completely exhausted of what my life has become. Now that I think of it, maybe all that pushing isn't really pushing. Maybe it's avoidance and resistance towards what DMSI is pushing me towards. It does feel like every day I'm trying to run from something or avoid an internal pressure to do something. I feel like part of me knows what has to be done but I'm too afraid to do it. So I just stay in the comfort zone way too much. My goddamn miserable comfort zone that has been anything but comfortable lately.
INFP