10-05-2015, 07:06 AM
Second night with the earbuds. Used trickling stream this time and things went better. No horrible nightmares.
But I woke up this morning in a state of mental paralysis. I don't know how to describe it, it's like I was laying in bed and wasn't tired but I needed to use every ounce of willpower I had to get up. I guess it's the anxiety. I'm pretty familiar with this feeling. It's like all the things I need to do in my life overload my mind and I have trouble starting anything. Like a total shutdown.
I guess one thing I've realized is that I don't have a steady source of income and that's been a lot of pressure on me. But I also have issues with jobs in general because I worry too much about screwing up and feeling like garbage for not being good enough at it. If I could just separate my job from me as a person, I wouldn't have so much anxiety. But I can't figure out how to do that. So every little mistake, every little criticism, is taken to heart and it makes me feel awful.
This pretty much made me realize that a job itself isn't draining, well unless it's heavy physical labor. A job is just a task. It's the meaning I attribute to it that causes me so much stress and anxiety. It's easy to say don't take it personal and don't base your self worth in it, but actually feeling that is hard to do. At least it's a step in the right direction. I'm pretty much breaking down why I find the idea of a job so anxiety provoking. Whereas before I thought it was just working I couldn't handle.
It all seems to just keep coming back to my social anxiety and low self worth. I'm hoping that listening at night with earbuds will keep pushing me to get better. As of right now I feel like my brain is kind of building connections for the problems in my life and attempting to solve them. Whereas before I kind of just shutdown and hoped everything would solve itself.
But I woke up this morning in a state of mental paralysis. I don't know how to describe it, it's like I was laying in bed and wasn't tired but I needed to use every ounce of willpower I had to get up. I guess it's the anxiety. I'm pretty familiar with this feeling. It's like all the things I need to do in my life overload my mind and I have trouble starting anything. Like a total shutdown.
I guess one thing I've realized is that I don't have a steady source of income and that's been a lot of pressure on me. But I also have issues with jobs in general because I worry too much about screwing up and feeling like garbage for not being good enough at it. If I could just separate my job from me as a person, I wouldn't have so much anxiety. But I can't figure out how to do that. So every little mistake, every little criticism, is taken to heart and it makes me feel awful.
This pretty much made me realize that a job itself isn't draining, well unless it's heavy physical labor. A job is just a task. It's the meaning I attribute to it that causes me so much stress and anxiety. It's easy to say don't take it personal and don't base your self worth in it, but actually feeling that is hard to do. At least it's a step in the right direction. I'm pretty much breaking down why I find the idea of a job so anxiety provoking. Whereas before I thought it was just working I couldn't handle.
It all seems to just keep coming back to my social anxiety and low self worth. I'm hoping that listening at night with earbuds will keep pushing me to get better. As of right now I feel like my brain is kind of building connections for the problems in my life and attempting to solve them. Whereas before I kind of just shutdown and hoped everything would solve itself.
