09-22-2015, 08:34 PM
So my life has been a bit hectic. My childhood home has been sold. I'm currently living in an apartment building. It's two floors, me and my brother get the lower and my dad and his gf get the upper. Not exactly completely independent, but it's progress.
So now that I'm paying rent I really need to find a job. I've been walking dogs on the side and I'm trying to get more clients for that. Feeling the squeeze from financial scarcity sucks. At least with walking dogs it's mostly me and the dogs. Maybe this is overly pessimistic, but the large majority of people disappoint me. Too much negativity, too much judgement, too much pettiness, etc. I'm not above it so to speak. I need to get to a point where that kind of behavior can be laughed off or seen as a game people play. But as things stand now I'm still deeply affected by the negative things others do and find it hard to cope.
I'm a reasonably intelligent person, but I have trouble applying myself to things I don't give a shit about. And there's a lot of that in my life unfortunately. I'm having trouble breaking out of that.
I've been hit with these waves of general unease lately. Just feeling like things are rigged and the whole system is screwed up. Probably my overly pessimistic views grabbing hold. But seriously, I want a way out. I'm still looking for one and it's been hard to find.
Most of all I just want to be myself and not care. No matter how many times I've told myself I'm close to that, I never feel like I am. There's always this subtle anxiety that follows me around across every interaction with people. And instead of letting go and being myself, I try to build up an impervious shield of armor so I don't become affected by people.
I've been without EPRHA for a few days now while I've unpacked things. But tonight I'm getting back on it.
But I really want to run alpha again. I haven't done it in a while. I saw an attractive girl I went to high school with today and all that ran through my head was that I wanted her to notice me and be interested in me. I wasn't even interested in her, I was only interested in getting validation from her. I just don't want that anymore. I don't want my self respect and overall worth tied to people's external opinions of me. I don't even care about being perceived as "alpha". All I want to do at this point is just live my life for myself and not care what others think so much. No matter how many times I tell myself to do that exact thing, it's like it never sinks in to an emotional level where I "get" it.
So now that I'm paying rent I really need to find a job. I've been walking dogs on the side and I'm trying to get more clients for that. Feeling the squeeze from financial scarcity sucks. At least with walking dogs it's mostly me and the dogs. Maybe this is overly pessimistic, but the large majority of people disappoint me. Too much negativity, too much judgement, too much pettiness, etc. I'm not above it so to speak. I need to get to a point where that kind of behavior can be laughed off or seen as a game people play. But as things stand now I'm still deeply affected by the negative things others do and find it hard to cope.
I'm a reasonably intelligent person, but I have trouble applying myself to things I don't give a shit about. And there's a lot of that in my life unfortunately. I'm having trouble breaking out of that.
I've been hit with these waves of general unease lately. Just feeling like things are rigged and the whole system is screwed up. Probably my overly pessimistic views grabbing hold. But seriously, I want a way out. I'm still looking for one and it's been hard to find.
Most of all I just want to be myself and not care. No matter how many times I've told myself I'm close to that, I never feel like I am. There's always this subtle anxiety that follows me around across every interaction with people. And instead of letting go and being myself, I try to build up an impervious shield of armor so I don't become affected by people.
I've been without EPRHA for a few days now while I've unpacked things. But tonight I'm getting back on it.
But I really want to run alpha again. I haven't done it in a while. I saw an attractive girl I went to high school with today and all that ran through my head was that I wanted her to notice me and be interested in me. I wasn't even interested in her, I was only interested in getting validation from her. I just don't want that anymore. I don't want my self respect and overall worth tied to people's external opinions of me. I don't even care about being perceived as "alpha". All I want to do at this point is just live my life for myself and not care what others think so much. No matter how many times I tell myself to do that exact thing, it's like it never sinks in to an emotional level where I "get" it.
