09-10-2015, 09:40 AM
So I've noticed a trend that I'm trying to break. Since I deal with anxiety and depression, things are hard for me. I want to say I'm over it, but it's like this thing that always looms around the corner. I'm not gonna say I'm past anxiety and depression until I feel without a doubt that I am.
That being said I compare myself to others too much. Any of you who struggle with depression know how hard it can be to be functional. Some days it feels like my body outright refuses to comply with me. I'm tired, can't focus, everything seems like a huge insurmountable task, even ridiculously small stuff like taking the dishes out of a dishwasher. It sucks because during this time when I'm feeling my lowest I tend to do the exact opposite of what I should be doing. Which would be going easy on myself and not beating myself up for dealing with this. Instead I cause myself more anxiety by telling myself I need to stop and forcing myself to do stuff in a way that just causes a ton of stress which prolongs the depression.
Imagine one of those wind up toys. I'll wind myself up to get through the day, but sometimes I get wound up too far. And like the toy I just break inside. At that point I've gone too far and I need time to recover. Unfortunately if you explain this to people they give you the yeah but you have to keep going and not ignore your responsibilities. Which I get. You need money to eat and have a place to live. But things like holding down a job, building your skills, focusing, pretty much doing anything productive becomes a huge hurdle to get over when depressed. Some days you can, other days it's damn near impossible. It's those damn near impossible days that really get to me.
Been having a think about my music too. I think I'm too reliant on it for my happiness. I mean I love making it, but at times it doesn't feel like I'm the one in control of calling the shots if that makes any sense. It's almost like I'm a slave to this idea that I need to make great music. And it probably doesn't help that this kind of mentality is praised in the artistic world. That artists need to suffer for their art, be perfectionists, be borderline self destructive because it shows their "passion". All just beliefs in my view, harmful ones at that. And I think it stems from basing my self worth way too much in an outside thing. It's good to be proud of goals and accomplishments, but it should never be the only thing defining your self worth.
I was reading the Lefkoe Method book and he has what he calls survival strategies. Pretty much exactly what I'm doing, chasing after being good enough at something to build my self worth as a person. On top of that when I operate out of the mistaken belief that I need music, I become blind to other opportunities out there or diminish the value of other enjoyable things.
That being said I compare myself to others too much. Any of you who struggle with depression know how hard it can be to be functional. Some days it feels like my body outright refuses to comply with me. I'm tired, can't focus, everything seems like a huge insurmountable task, even ridiculously small stuff like taking the dishes out of a dishwasher. It sucks because during this time when I'm feeling my lowest I tend to do the exact opposite of what I should be doing. Which would be going easy on myself and not beating myself up for dealing with this. Instead I cause myself more anxiety by telling myself I need to stop and forcing myself to do stuff in a way that just causes a ton of stress which prolongs the depression.
Imagine one of those wind up toys. I'll wind myself up to get through the day, but sometimes I get wound up too far. And like the toy I just break inside. At that point I've gone too far and I need time to recover. Unfortunately if you explain this to people they give you the yeah but you have to keep going and not ignore your responsibilities. Which I get. You need money to eat and have a place to live. But things like holding down a job, building your skills, focusing, pretty much doing anything productive becomes a huge hurdle to get over when depressed. Some days you can, other days it's damn near impossible. It's those damn near impossible days that really get to me.
Been having a think about my music too. I think I'm too reliant on it for my happiness. I mean I love making it, but at times it doesn't feel like I'm the one in control of calling the shots if that makes any sense. It's almost like I'm a slave to this idea that I need to make great music. And it probably doesn't help that this kind of mentality is praised in the artistic world. That artists need to suffer for their art, be perfectionists, be borderline self destructive because it shows their "passion". All just beliefs in my view, harmful ones at that. And I think it stems from basing my self worth way too much in an outside thing. It's good to be proud of goals and accomplishments, but it should never be the only thing defining your self worth.
I was reading the Lefkoe Method book and he has what he calls survival strategies. Pretty much exactly what I'm doing, chasing after being good enough at something to build my self worth as a person. On top of that when I operate out of the mistaken belief that I need music, I become blind to other opportunities out there or diminish the value of other enjoyable things.
