EIP and Max learning, achieving some goals

[Breeze]

I find a lot of people don't want to admit that their parents contributed to some of their dysfunctional beliefs if they grew up in a loving household. For a long time I've pretty much blamed myself for all my issues and held my parents in the light of perfection and never having done anything to cause me emotional pain. That contributed to a lot of guilt. Also it feels like I'm an overly sensitive person if I claim I experienced "emotional trauma" as a kid because I wasn't beaten or abused. I don't know what to call it.

You know, I was just thinking about it only a couple of days ago, there is this thought, "We should own our dysfunctions and take full responsibilities", but then most of the damage is done in childhood through parents, school or even rest of the family. We can't fool ourselves and take full credit for every good and bad that happened, but yes, in this moment, it is necessary to not to fall victim and awareness and acceptance is the first step. Good growth.

But for some reason listening to this sub I remembered when I was a kid and went to my mom to talk with her and she ignored me. Instead of making a fuss and getting her to pay attention to me, I'd just close myself off and walk away. I've learned that I close myself off to love because in the past it was too painful to open up and have my emotions invalidated than stay closed off and not risk that. It was like gambling in a way. Some days she'd be open and some days she'd be closed off. After a while it was easier to not even bother. Same with my father, except he'd have a tendency to erupt in anger when I least expected so I was always guarded. One too many times of him yelling, apologizing, then continue yelling another day made me hesitant that he actually loved me.

Same here, whenever I wanted to talk to my parents about anything, they would shut me off before I even opened my mouth. The abuse and all that, one just shut oneself off and create a habit of shutting off from love and all the wonderful positive emotions.

I believe as a young kid if you don't get your emotional needs met by your mother you start to look for it in other women when you're older. That's why guys who are in relationships with women that are like their mother freaks me out. It's like they are filling some void in themselves and have the maturity of a young boy. Anyway when I was a teenager I was obsessed with girls. Not in the horny teenage way. I mean the emotionally fulfilled and validated way. Where most guys wanted to just have sex, I wanted to be loved. But rejection stung too much for me so I never even made any attempt to start a relationship with anyone or open up.

It is exactly what I was thinking when I was reflecting upon my teen years and my view of girls. I was, too, obsessed with girls and I did not thought of them sexually. I just wanted to cuddle and all.

Now I only have a vague idea about the mind and how it works, but I'm assuming if I was in denial about all this for a long time that would prevent the clearing of the emotional problems. Only because every time my subconscious would attempt to release it, I'd push it back down due to guilt and feeling like I was blaming my parents for my issues. The more of this onion I peel back, the more I realized how tangled and interconnecting all these things are and how guilt can keep you from healing.

Spot on again, and good growth there.