EIP and Max learning, achieving some goals

[mat422]

Last post for a while, for real. I've realized I post on here sometimes to convince myself of stuff that isn't even really that much of a breakthrough. I just end up revisiting what I said and feeling the need to think about it. It does no good for me. I don't know what I'm doing. I like to think I know because again, control. I'm terrified of uncertainty. I'm also terrified of letting anybody know the real me, which I think is part of my social anxiety.

I try to remain positive, but there's a fine line between being positive vs shaming yourself for experiencing what you perceive to be negative feelings. I don't know where this came from. My parents were great, a little rough around the edges but nobody is perfect. Nobody told me I had to be perfect, I put this on myself. So I can't even get angry at people with faults who get the most out of life.

I've been through so much self help I feel like I've developed a pathological fear of negative beliefs. Sometimes I feel like I have a self loathing part of myself that I try to change, but it's always just a cover up. Even when I attempt to do stuff to better myself there's always a nagging voice in the back of my head that says I don't deserve it. I notice it makes me critical of others and I don't want to be like that, but I recognize it's just a reflection of me.

Here's the thing, I've been under the assumption that my thoughts are what cause my distressed nature. And to some degree it's true. But negative thoughts aren't created in a vacuum. A happy positive person could call themselves a failure and worthless, but if they feel good enough about themselves they'll laugh about those things. Those thoughts only hurt if you already carry those beliefs inside. Pretending they don't resonate with some part of me just does more harm than good because I just bury it deeper down in my psyche. And I think that's the dark part of me I don't want others to see and why I push away others or fear intimacy.

Sorry to get so real here. But I had to unload. I always feel like people don't like negativity, so they shun it in others. It just festers up inside and slowly eats away at you. Sometimes I grasp for the positive way too much on this forum because I'm trying to avoid the disappointment of still spinning my wheels and getting nowhere. I'm not calling it quits, I'm not resigning myself to a lifetime of misery, but I can't stand pretending like things are going better than they actually are. That's part of healing for me I guess.

there is no better place to unload than in a journale, that's why we have them so don't be sorry for anything you say in it. your emotions will change everyday and writing them down and re reading them later on like you have been doing will allow you to process what going on much more accurately for yourself and like you said your still finding out new things about yourself and getting to the core of some of the issues. keep it up mate !

Thanks man, I needed that.