08-03-2015, 09:41 AM
Kind of realized my aversion to emotions is pretty much rooted in my fear of what others think of me or of them invalidating such a vulnerable state. I got that a lot when I was younger I think. Struggling with social anxiety and depression I felt like nobody ever really got it and even if I opened up it resulted in this feeling of being messed up beyond repair. I guess when it comes down to it, I'm still very much affected by other people no matter how hard I try to tell myself it doesn't get to me. But all I can really do is keep looking forward and moving on ahead.
Lately I've been having the urge to run AM 5.0 again. Maybe it's because I keep seeing AM posts around here and the success guys are getting. But I'm gonna be sticking with EPRHA. I've been making some decent progress lately.
Also I went to a party recently and noticed some really conflicting feelings around some of the girls there. Part of me wanted them to be interested in me and talk to me, but another part of me wanted them to leave me alone. That's been a constant thing in my life, it's like I give out mixed signals to people. There was a ton of neediness going on inside me which I recognized and decided acting on wasn't in my best interest. Of course there were plenty of other guys there who didn't really care and just pestered some of them to no end. Heard all about that from some of the girls the next day. Kind of funny how some guys have no consideration for others feelings. Anyway, I suck with girls and fully acknowledge that. But to be honest there's not much desire to get better with them aside from the neediness I feel. And I think that neediness is pretty much due to my lack of interaction or relationships when I was younger. Maybe it's too idealistic, but I want to get to a place where I can give more than take from a relationship. I don't want a relationship where I'm using her to fill some incomplete void inside of me because that's unfair.
Lately I've been having the urge to run AM 5.0 again. Maybe it's because I keep seeing AM posts around here and the success guys are getting. But I'm gonna be sticking with EPRHA. I've been making some decent progress lately.
Also I went to a party recently and noticed some really conflicting feelings around some of the girls there. Part of me wanted them to be interested in me and talk to me, but another part of me wanted them to leave me alone. That's been a constant thing in my life, it's like I give out mixed signals to people. There was a ton of neediness going on inside me which I recognized and decided acting on wasn't in my best interest. Of course there were plenty of other guys there who didn't really care and just pestered some of them to no end. Heard all about that from some of the girls the next day. Kind of funny how some guys have no consideration for others feelings. Anyway, I suck with girls and fully acknowledge that. But to be honest there's not much desire to get better with them aside from the neediness I feel. And I think that neediness is pretty much due to my lack of interaction or relationships when I was younger. Maybe it's too idealistic, but I want to get to a place where I can give more than take from a relationship. I don't want a relationship where I'm using her to fill some incomplete void inside of me because that's unfair.
