05-20-2015, 06:44 AM
(05-20-2015, 05:35 AM)mat422 Wrote: So I pretty much further deconstructed in my head what sensitivity is for me. I've realized that maybe I am more sensitive, but ultimately it's my reaction to external events that influences my mood and stress levels. I may not be able to brush things off as easily as other people, but I can certainly work at getting better at being non-reactive to negative events or anxiety provoking events in general.
Basically if I can get to a position where I'm ok with myself and don't feel that internal pressure to twist myself to conform to different environments, I feel like I could thrive in almost any environment. I have a very bad habit of people pleasing behavior. This stems from my more quiet nature and how over the years I'd always get people prodding me for answers on why I was so quiet or assuming I was aloof. So essentially who I am naturally has been covered up over the years in order to make other people more comfortable around me at the expense of my own comfort. I'm pretty much sick of it. And they didn't do this to me, I did it to myself.
The other thing I realized is my aversion to being more dominant has kind of faded away because I understand how brutal and uncaring people out in the real world can be. Generally I am a caring and humble person, I don't want to feel like I'm intimidating in anyway. But sometimes other people see that as weakness and you just become a target. If you don't give off that subtle vibe of "Don't mess with me" they think it's ok to push you around or take advantage of you. I'd rather avoid all the petty stuff and give them a warning sign right off the bat.
In general I detest power dynamics and playing the who's got more power game. It's why I really dislike any authority figures. We're all humans, just because you're higher up in some managerial system doesn't make you better than me. Sometimes you just need that little bit of edge to make it in this world. I wish it wasn't the case, but sadly a lot of my idealistic visions of this world don't match up with reality. I never really realized just how important some of the concepts in the alpha training were because I was coming from my own perspective and failed to realize what it's really like out in the world and how you need these traits if you don't want to be chewed up and spit out.
Seriously man, you sound like you could be my identical twin or another me. Hahahah it's not even funny at this point, no jokes. Keep going though man, I love what you've written here. If you don't mind me asking, when is your birthday?
