05-11-2015, 09:49 AM
Probably gonna be my last post for a while. I've kind of been posting all this stuff as a way to affirm my own beliefs I guess. It's weird, but when I have thoughts and ideas floating up inside my head they don't seem real. When I put them down on paper or online, it's almost like I'm creating "rules" for myself. And I really really need to get rid of my "rules" attitude. It's a very claustrophobic way to live. An example of this is my idea of letting go of control and not controlling so much. But by telling myself to not control so much and let go, I'm creating a "rule" to follow. The irony of creating a rule to let go in order not to be a control freak is just another way to guarantee a certain outcome, which is controlling in nature. Same goes for being present. If I try to be present as a way to attain something or change something, I'm not being present.
As you can see there's still a lot going on in my head that revolves around fear and perfectionism. Rules imply stability or certainty, they are appealing because they quell the fear inside of me. But ultimately they are incredibly restrictive because I limit my perspective on everything.
This all sounds like the ramblings of a madman. My brain is weird. It's always zipping around looking for connections trying to tie things together. Sometimes it tries to tie two completely irrelevant things together just to see if they hold any similarities. But now I'm going to go practice some finger drumming on my drum pad, get myself out of this insanity loop.
As you can see there's still a lot going on in my head that revolves around fear and perfectionism. Rules imply stability or certainty, they are appealing because they quell the fear inside of me. But ultimately they are incredibly restrictive because I limit my perspective on everything.
This all sounds like the ramblings of a madman. My brain is weird. It's always zipping around looking for connections trying to tie things together. Sometimes it tries to tie two completely irrelevant things together just to see if they hold any similarities. But now I'm going to go practice some finger drumming on my drum pad, get myself out of this insanity loop.
