Lots of crap has been coming up. I could probably write pages, but I'm keeping it short.
Intelligence. I've always been praised on my intelligence. Well when I don't do very "intelligent" things or make mistakes I feel like it shatters that image and I feel guilt. It's led me to avoid trying new things. As if my intelligence is where my self worth lies. For some reason my dad loves pointing out when any worker is being incompetent and I think to myself if I wasn't his son I'd probably be one of them because I've had my share of mess ups. It's not fair to judge a person on one single action alone, you can't know the whole story.
Pretending to be something I'm not. When I look for jobs and I come across something that says "self motivated highly driven success oriented person" or whatever else I feel guilty. At this stage in my life that's not me, I don't feel that way. And beating myself up for not being that type of person has led to an endless cycle of self hate. Do I want to be that type of person? Yes. But I want it to come from a place of authenticity, not as a facade so some company hires me. Sometimes I like to look at myself from the perspective of an employer and I understand why they wouldn't want to hire me. But I've got a lot of stuff I need to sort through and there's only so much mental energy I can dedicate. Pretending to be something I'm not is not something I prioritize.
Intelligence. I've always been praised on my intelligence. Well when I don't do very "intelligent" things or make mistakes I feel like it shatters that image and I feel guilt. It's led me to avoid trying new things. As if my intelligence is where my self worth lies. For some reason my dad loves pointing out when any worker is being incompetent and I think to myself if I wasn't his son I'd probably be one of them because I've had my share of mess ups. It's not fair to judge a person on one single action alone, you can't know the whole story.
Pretending to be something I'm not. When I look for jobs and I come across something that says "self motivated highly driven success oriented person" or whatever else I feel guilty. At this stage in my life that's not me, I don't feel that way. And beating myself up for not being that type of person has led to an endless cycle of self hate. Do I want to be that type of person? Yes. But I want it to come from a place of authenticity, not as a facade so some company hires me. Sometimes I like to look at myself from the perspective of an employer and I understand why they wouldn't want to hire me. But I've got a lot of stuff I need to sort through and there's only so much mental energy I can dedicate. Pretending to be something I'm not is not something I prioritize.
