05-05-2015, 06:26 AM
(05-05-2015, 03:08 AM)Shannon Wrote: Just take sat and sun off is what I do every week. :-) Prevents burnout.
You can go straight from ASC to AM6. If you want the ASC code to "settle", better to give it a week. If you want to get started with AM6, you can jump right in.
As for your culture, there is a balance point that you need to find. In your culture family is very important, but it is unfortunately held together with guilt, shame and fear. In my culture, family means next to nothing, and everyone is in it for themselves. Neither one is the ideal. What you want to do is find the balance between doing for yourself and living for yourself, and having a healthy family and valuing both at the right amounts to keep them both optimally healthy and successful. I wish my culture valued family and "other people" more, but I know well what you're talking about because my grandmother was just like that. I wasn't even 16 when I started calling her out on her guilt trips and emotional manipulation crap. It got that bad. To this very day I refuse to allow anyone to emotionally manipulate me because of what she tried to do. Loved her to death, but that's not acceptable.
Guilt trips and shame only work so long as you allow them to work. They also only work as long as you base your thinking through your emotions. When you really start to use your brain, it becomes blaringly obvious that logically, it makes no sense to feel bad because your parents are doing things that put them in a position that is bad for them, because that is their choice. And it is very likely true that they are doing it intentionally, specifically to be able to manipulate you through guilt, shame and fear.
I dealt with my grandmother by immediately pointing out in no uncertain terms that she was trying to guilt trip me, and exactly how. Then I told her that I love her, but I will not allow myself to be emotionally manipulated, and that that is not love, it's an attempt to control me. When you spell it out for them like this, and your logic is sound, they have nowhere to hide. They have two options at that point:
1. Stop.
2. Dive deeper into the delusion that results in them do it in the first place, double down and try even harder.
And the harder they try to do it, the more you hit them with the cold hard logical facts - always calmly, but firmly. Stay in control of yourself at all times. It helps to point out, by contrast, how ridiculous they are being in some cases. My grandmother stopped eventually because she realized that her 16 year old grandson was being more mature than she was, and the whole family was watching this happen. It was a little embarrassing for her, as well it should have been.
Once she "got it", an grew out of that, we had a great relationship.
Wow Shannon thanks a lot for taking the time to write all that and share your perspective as well as experience. It further affirmed that I'm not doing anything wrong.
The thing is you're absolutely right, it's about achieving a balance which is exactly what's not possible with how my family members, specially mom, have been brought up. In all honesty, almost all the relatives and family members I am aware of are unwise when it comes to this. They speak and are friendly today and then don't talk to each other or avoid each other over silly disputes instead of seeing how trivial these things are. Mostly because their expectations aren't met, such as them not receiving help when they need it; doesn't try to understand what the person they are seeking help from might be going through, instead judgments are made. They all lack the understanding and live and act with the mindset of "what would they say or think", they being society and other people. They don't really have a profound bond as a family, just superficial crap.
Hahahah I completely understand how it must have been with your grandmother. I'm glad to hear your relationship has been sorted and is healthy!
I tried to do the same with my mom for the past 3-4 years but it just doesn't work because I thought I could change her then focus on my life while having a healthy family life. It doesn't work this way sadly.Like you said, I'm going to start living for myself and doing for myself first and then focus on how to balance the both. Otherwise, just like it's been for the past 2 years, I won't be able to do either of the two. When I'm not depending, I won't be manipulated and they'll either have to accept who I am and be part of my life or try to manipulate me and watch me keep my distance till they understand. My mom even tells me to stop trying to fix and instead work on my future instead, but I know that if I worked on my future and my family members or my mom doesn't change, I'll peace out and keep my distance. I didn't want that to happen which is why I was so attached to changing her, but now I'm done with that bulls**t. I'll become independent and work on the life I want and they can deal with it or not.
F**ck man I keep writing essays hahaha
I'm grateful for your feedback Shannon. I purchased AM6 today. I will let the ASC sink in a bit more before I start AM6, it's been two days since I stopped. Can't WAIT to start AM6 though :p So damn excited
