12-09-2014, 09:41 AM
Still coming off the antidepressants. So far I've been feeling better. I've started practicing mindfulness again. I'm learning how to allow the flow of emotions in my body without interrupting them. I was really bad at this because I'd constantly judge what I was feeling and tell myself I shouldn't feel that way. Basically a form of resistance, which just prolonged the internal discomfort because I wasn't processing it. It's like I was watching it from outside my body, an unhealthy distancing of my emotions.
And speaking of resistance, I've realized I exhibit it in three levels. First level is restlessness, I'll get fidgety and have this feeling of needing to do something else. Second level is actually procrastinating, where I act on that feeling of needing to do something else and distract myself. Third level is when I push past the procrastination and actually focus on what I need to do, I get incredibly tired or depressed. Like my brain tries to shut down and says ok that's enough, go take a nap. So I've been trying to break those habits lately. It's funny because sometimes when these feelings pop up I think I have to meditate on them in order to let go of them, but the meditation is just another form of distraction and just a way to get me away from the thing that's making me uncomfortable. These subtle tricks are a real pain to deal with, I don't always catch them. It's probably why I've posted a lot of negative stuff in the past, instead of meditating I'd write about it which gave me that subtle dopamine hit that made me feel better. But it never really solved much.
Finally I joined a gym and started working out. So that's been helping with my energy levels and stuff.
All my shortcomings and problems I need to fix, there's really no simple answer. The more I improve, the more layers of myself are revealed and show just how complex everything is. Pinning it all onto one label like depression isn't gonna solve anything. And constantly going inside myself searching for answers isn't the greatest idea either, I'll just drive myself crazy. For now I'll gladly take the improvements I've made and just focus on continuing on getting better.
And speaking of resistance, I've realized I exhibit it in three levels. First level is restlessness, I'll get fidgety and have this feeling of needing to do something else. Second level is actually procrastinating, where I act on that feeling of needing to do something else and distract myself. Third level is when I push past the procrastination and actually focus on what I need to do, I get incredibly tired or depressed. Like my brain tries to shut down and says ok that's enough, go take a nap. So I've been trying to break those habits lately. It's funny because sometimes when these feelings pop up I think I have to meditate on them in order to let go of them, but the meditation is just another form of distraction and just a way to get me away from the thing that's making me uncomfortable. These subtle tricks are a real pain to deal with, I don't always catch them. It's probably why I've posted a lot of negative stuff in the past, instead of meditating I'd write about it which gave me that subtle dopamine hit that made me feel better. But it never really solved much.
Finally I joined a gym and started working out. So that's been helping with my energy levels and stuff.
All my shortcomings and problems I need to fix, there's really no simple answer. The more I improve, the more layers of myself are revealed and show just how complex everything is. Pinning it all onto one label like depression isn't gonna solve anything. And constantly going inside myself searching for answers isn't the greatest idea either, I'll just drive myself crazy. For now I'll gladly take the improvements I've made and just focus on continuing on getting better.
