10-20-2014, 11:50 AM
Ditched the wellbutrin today because it was making my anxiety worse. So I'm just sticking to zoloft from now on. I have to say after being on anti-depressants for a bit I've changed my opinion of them. I used to be completely against them and thought they numbed things or covered up issues. I've since realized they are really important for me to function in my life. Where I stand now. If somebody can overcome their issues without anti-depressants, I'd say go for that first. But if you've exhausted a lot of your options and eventually you get to that point where you lose hope and don't think anything will ever pull you out of it, I'd say anti-depressants are a good idea. One thing I realized is when I'm deep in depression, it becomes hard if not impossible to muster up the energy to keep moving forward because all I've seen are my past failures at getting better.
On the EPRHA side of things, I think it's been doing a lot of good. I've recently repaired my relationship with my dad. Now he's not an awful person, but when I was a child he would often explode and yell and violate my trust. I'm pretty sensitive, so this left deep wounds in me. I didn't realize it until I started addressing these issues, but I don't have a strong connection with him. And as much as I love my mom and all she's taught me, I realize the lack of a male role model in my life left me with a void of what masculinity truly is. I filled that void with stupid caricatures of masculinity, or had a very poor image of men in general being these aggressive unforgiving people. Basically my view of masculinity was this one dimensional overly negative view and I distanced myself from it.
I'd say that within these past few months I've realized how in denial I was about a lot of things. A lot of pain I was feeling that I was afraid to openly express for fear of being perceived as weak. How I felt that anti-depressants made me a failure because I couldn't do it on my own. How my parents divorce is a tough thing even though I'm 23. How wrong other people have been, not me, about my struggle with mental illness over the years. A lot of shame built up over things that are just part of the human condition. And how I still subconsciously believe I'm not good enough, which manifests as putting myself down and genuinely having a hard time understanding why someone could like me. Also to stop trying to be someone I'm not and accept how I am. I've realized that I am very sensitive and empathetic, traits that I condemned myself for when I was younger because I never really fit in. But as I've gotten older I've realized that people tend to value these things in a person. And as egotistical as this might sound, I feel like by just being myself in this world I can change the lives of people who I interact with. Not in a grandiose way, but be that small kind of positivity that seems to be lacking sometimes. I feel like if I didn't have so much social anxiety, I'd be more open with complete strangers. But sometimes opening up to people who aren't receptive to it can do more harm than good for me.
One thing I've really come to realize is that as much as self improvement is important, wiping away all the garbage that hides your true self is more important. I've touched on it before but I'd frequently use the alpha male subliminal as a way to build up armor around myself and further alienate myself from my real core self. I'll always strive for improvement, but it will no longer be once I get to xyz then I'll love and accept myself. It's an illusion, a perpetual treadmill and setting conditions for accepting yourself is a painful way to live. It is a balance however. You can't love and accept yourself and then eat twinkies and play video games all day. But for people who are really hard on themselves, like myself, love and acceptance is a very powerful thing. I don't know where I got the idea that I was undeserving of love unless I achieved great things, it wasn't from my parents because they were more than supportive. I can only assume that it was due to my chronic depression and the beliefs I internalized because of that.
On the EPRHA side of things, I think it's been doing a lot of good. I've recently repaired my relationship with my dad. Now he's not an awful person, but when I was a child he would often explode and yell and violate my trust. I'm pretty sensitive, so this left deep wounds in me. I didn't realize it until I started addressing these issues, but I don't have a strong connection with him. And as much as I love my mom and all she's taught me, I realize the lack of a male role model in my life left me with a void of what masculinity truly is. I filled that void with stupid caricatures of masculinity, or had a very poor image of men in general being these aggressive unforgiving people. Basically my view of masculinity was this one dimensional overly negative view and I distanced myself from it.
I'd say that within these past few months I've realized how in denial I was about a lot of things. A lot of pain I was feeling that I was afraid to openly express for fear of being perceived as weak. How I felt that anti-depressants made me a failure because I couldn't do it on my own. How my parents divorce is a tough thing even though I'm 23. How wrong other people have been, not me, about my struggle with mental illness over the years. A lot of shame built up over things that are just part of the human condition. And how I still subconsciously believe I'm not good enough, which manifests as putting myself down and genuinely having a hard time understanding why someone could like me. Also to stop trying to be someone I'm not and accept how I am. I've realized that I am very sensitive and empathetic, traits that I condemned myself for when I was younger because I never really fit in. But as I've gotten older I've realized that people tend to value these things in a person. And as egotistical as this might sound, I feel like by just being myself in this world I can change the lives of people who I interact with. Not in a grandiose way, but be that small kind of positivity that seems to be lacking sometimes. I feel like if I didn't have so much social anxiety, I'd be more open with complete strangers. But sometimes opening up to people who aren't receptive to it can do more harm than good for me.
One thing I've really come to realize is that as much as self improvement is important, wiping away all the garbage that hides your true self is more important. I've touched on it before but I'd frequently use the alpha male subliminal as a way to build up armor around myself and further alienate myself from my real core self. I'll always strive for improvement, but it will no longer be once I get to xyz then I'll love and accept myself. It's an illusion, a perpetual treadmill and setting conditions for accepting yourself is a painful way to live. It is a balance however. You can't love and accept yourself and then eat twinkies and play video games all day. But for people who are really hard on themselves, like myself, love and acceptance is a very powerful thing. I don't know where I got the idea that I was undeserving of love unless I achieved great things, it wasn't from my parents because they were more than supportive. I can only assume that it was due to my chronic depression and the beliefs I internalized because of that.
