10-07-2014, 10:06 AM
Ok well priority shift. Over the past few weeks I've been doing some reading. I've realized that my self worth is too caught up in my music. My desire to get really good at music was basically to prove my own self worth to myself. Which is not a good thing because 1 my self esteem is reliant on an external thing which is not good and 2 it kills the joy of music for me. And that's why I started my journey into music, to express myself and have fun doing it. I'll always be looking to improve and keep pushing for better music, but I won't tie it to my self worth anymore. The anxiety of never being good enough is just too much mental strain and unneeded. And completely paralyzing.
I've realized there is still a very large hole in me and I fill it up by going on these quests to be great at something. Always setting the bar way too high and feeling like a failure when I can't achieve it. There's always this fear that if I start feeling ok with myself as I am, that my motivation for pursuing these things will fade. That my only drive has ever been fear and inadequacy. But as I've learned with fear throughout the years it will tell you lies. This is how I feel, but past experience has shown me that when you lessen the demands on yourself you naturally achieve more.
So after that I've come to the conclusion I need to drop these two subs for now. Currently I'm unemployed, have minimal savings, have minimal work experience, and student loans I need to pay off. I also still suffer from social anxiety and depression which act as serious obstacles in finding employment. I need to address this because not being able to work and having no income is a huge problem. And I'm 23 and still living at home, which is happening to a lot of people my age with the job availability in the US. But my parents are going through a divorce and my Dad is probably going to need to sell the house eventually because he can't afford the cost of living here especially after taking a nasty pay cut at his job.
My biggest issue is that I didn't develop into an adult. I've had issues all my life that have screwed me up and my priorities were always on taming my anxiety and depression so I could be somewhat functional. I didn't build any foundation. It took me until I was 20 to start to get a handle on things and realize how bad this stuff was and how I needed to address it. And now with the lack of stability around me it's adding stress which is making things worse. In a way yeah it's gonna push me to try to get up on my feet and support myself. But there's always the possibility that it makes things worse for me. All in all not the most ideal circumstances to grow as a person, but there's nothing I can do about the past.
All that being said. I'm debating if I should go back to EPRHA or ASC. I honestly can't tell which would benefit me more at this point. But my priorities definitely have to switch.
That's it for now. A long stream of consciousness rant from me. I'm praying that my luck turns around and my job search starts going better. All I can do is keep trying and hope for the best.
I've realized there is still a very large hole in me and I fill it up by going on these quests to be great at something. Always setting the bar way too high and feeling like a failure when I can't achieve it. There's always this fear that if I start feeling ok with myself as I am, that my motivation for pursuing these things will fade. That my only drive has ever been fear and inadequacy. But as I've learned with fear throughout the years it will tell you lies. This is how I feel, but past experience has shown me that when you lessen the demands on yourself you naturally achieve more.
So after that I've come to the conclusion I need to drop these two subs for now. Currently I'm unemployed, have minimal savings, have minimal work experience, and student loans I need to pay off. I also still suffer from social anxiety and depression which act as serious obstacles in finding employment. I need to address this because not being able to work and having no income is a huge problem. And I'm 23 and still living at home, which is happening to a lot of people my age with the job availability in the US. But my parents are going through a divorce and my Dad is probably going to need to sell the house eventually because he can't afford the cost of living here especially after taking a nasty pay cut at his job.
My biggest issue is that I didn't develop into an adult. I've had issues all my life that have screwed me up and my priorities were always on taming my anxiety and depression so I could be somewhat functional. I didn't build any foundation. It took me until I was 20 to start to get a handle on things and realize how bad this stuff was and how I needed to address it. And now with the lack of stability around me it's adding stress which is making things worse. In a way yeah it's gonna push me to try to get up on my feet and support myself. But there's always the possibility that it makes things worse for me. All in all not the most ideal circumstances to grow as a person, but there's nothing I can do about the past.
All that being said. I'm debating if I should go back to EPRHA or ASC. I honestly can't tell which would benefit me more at this point. But my priorities definitely have to switch.
That's it for now. A long stream of consciousness rant from me. I'm praying that my luck turns around and my job search starts going better. All I can do is keep trying and hope for the best.
