09-20-2014, 07:39 AM
Kind of had a realization the other day. As a human being, I'm an emotional creature. Suppressing those emotions is a bad idea. I'm very controlling, I don't like letting my emotions run wild. Part of that is because I fear I'll get carried away with them and hurt myself or others. But it's a very irrational fear that I have to overcome.
Emotions should flow through me, unattached to them just letting them run their course. Otherwise it's like kinking up a hose and blocking up everything. It gets exhausting trying to control how I express myself instead of just doing it. I guess part of that ties to a fear of rejection for my true authentic self.
If you grew up hyper sensitive to the world around you, you know how advice like stop caring what others think is pretty much useless. There comes a point when the issues an individual faces aren't just shyness or low self confidence. In my case it started with being sensitive as a child and bad events and generally unpleasant circumstances caused a lot of conditioned responses to the world. After a while it's easier to attempt to control everything than deal with the chaos of my mind.
I don't know if I'll ever get to a point where I feel like my anxiety is gone. I'm going to hope for the best, but at the same time be willing to accept that it's just how I'm wired. There's a lot about me that causes frustration and 90% of it seems to be because I keep trying to fit myself into a mold instead of being myself. But I'm not content with just being myself, I want to be my best self. I'll never know what my best self is unless I continually strive for it.
Interestingly enough this has a direct impact on my music as well. I have to be comfortable with being myself with my music and not trying to be someone else. My music is an extension of me and a lot of my creative blocks were because I felt what I did was wrong or not like everyone else.
Emotions should flow through me, unattached to them just letting them run their course. Otherwise it's like kinking up a hose and blocking up everything. It gets exhausting trying to control how I express myself instead of just doing it. I guess part of that ties to a fear of rejection for my true authentic self.
If you grew up hyper sensitive to the world around you, you know how advice like stop caring what others think is pretty much useless. There comes a point when the issues an individual faces aren't just shyness or low self confidence. In my case it started with being sensitive as a child and bad events and generally unpleasant circumstances caused a lot of conditioned responses to the world. After a while it's easier to attempt to control everything than deal with the chaos of my mind.
I don't know if I'll ever get to a point where I feel like my anxiety is gone. I'm going to hope for the best, but at the same time be willing to accept that it's just how I'm wired. There's a lot about me that causes frustration and 90% of it seems to be because I keep trying to fit myself into a mold instead of being myself. But I'm not content with just being myself, I want to be my best self. I'll never know what my best self is unless I continually strive for it.
Interestingly enough this has a direct impact on my music as well. I have to be comfortable with being myself with my music and not trying to be someone else. My music is an extension of me and a lot of my creative blocks were because I felt what I did was wrong or not like everyone else.
