09-13-2014, 03:34 PM
Looking at my previous post I feel like I might have jumped the gun a bit. Depression and anxiety are an issue in my life and I'm working on them. But accusing myself of holding onto them doesn't really do me any good. In a lot of ways it just puts the blame onto me even more. And the last thing I need is more self talk that puts myself down. I guess I need to look at it as more like a wound that's healing. You can't look down at a cut and yell at yourself to take responsibility and get rid of it. That's not how it works. And mental issues and problems are just like wounds that require healing. They'll heal, you just have to let them. The problem is growing up in a society where sometimes people who don't struggle with the same issues feel they are qualified to preach to you about what you should do. Then it echoes in your head and eventually the self doubt creeps in. From there it's a downward spiral of beating yourself up and feeling pretty worthless.
Mostly I make these journal entries to remind myself of important things. Things like everyone is at their own level and to not compare myself to others. And that treating yourself with compassion and doing your best is better than beating yourself up and pushing yourself beyond your limits until you crash. There's a certain behavior in me that I recognize. I'll intentionally put myself through stress and frustration because I feel like I deserve it. Like I haven't been trying hard enough and if I go easy on myself I'm just taking the easy way out. The irony is that pushing myself beyond my limits actually makes things worse, whereas if I let up on myself I'd have a better mental state and get more accomplished.
I feel like I'm trying to swim upstream when I should just be letting go and letting the river carry me to my destination. I get in the way of myself so much with these subliminals. I think part of it is sometimes the really heavy emotions it brings up when it needs to be let go. There's almost this protective barrier. I can see the painful stuff, but I don't let it run its course and leave. Truthfully when I was younger I used to meditate a lot and the amount of pain it brought up in me was almost too much to handle. The worst part is, it never left. It's left me very reluctant to accept any negative or painful emotions I might be feeling for fear of getting stuck in them. So I'll actively suppress them and I'll feel a little better, but I always know there is something bubbling beneath the surface. I know in the past using subliminals it can be like opening up a can of worms. I'll finally allow an emotion in, but it takes me a good week or two to purge it. The problem is during this time I might mistake past emotional feelings coming up for things occurring in the present. This can cause me to make some poor decisions that I regret. Ultimately I feel like it boils down to me fearing the lack of control, I don't want to fall back into a dark place. As much as I tell myself that can't happen and I have control over my emotions, I know that's not always the case.
Mostly I make these journal entries to remind myself of important things. Things like everyone is at their own level and to not compare myself to others. And that treating yourself with compassion and doing your best is better than beating yourself up and pushing yourself beyond your limits until you crash. There's a certain behavior in me that I recognize. I'll intentionally put myself through stress and frustration because I feel like I deserve it. Like I haven't been trying hard enough and if I go easy on myself I'm just taking the easy way out. The irony is that pushing myself beyond my limits actually makes things worse, whereas if I let up on myself I'd have a better mental state and get more accomplished.
I feel like I'm trying to swim upstream when I should just be letting go and letting the river carry me to my destination. I get in the way of myself so much with these subliminals. I think part of it is sometimes the really heavy emotions it brings up when it needs to be let go. There's almost this protective barrier. I can see the painful stuff, but I don't let it run its course and leave. Truthfully when I was younger I used to meditate a lot and the amount of pain it brought up in me was almost too much to handle. The worst part is, it never left. It's left me very reluctant to accept any negative or painful emotions I might be feeling for fear of getting stuck in them. So I'll actively suppress them and I'll feel a little better, but I always know there is something bubbling beneath the surface. I know in the past using subliminals it can be like opening up a can of worms. I'll finally allow an emotion in, but it takes me a good week or two to purge it. The problem is during this time I might mistake past emotional feelings coming up for things occurring in the present. This can cause me to make some poor decisions that I regret. Ultimately I feel like it boils down to me fearing the lack of control, I don't want to fall back into a dark place. As much as I tell myself that can't happen and I have control over my emotions, I know that's not always the case.
