AlphaReInvention

[RainbowAbyss]

Wrapping up stage 5.
I really enjoyed this program up to stage 4
there were some mature changes in that stage
in terms of being more driven, assertive, and in stage 5
beginning comfort around
woman not caring-but the general 'good feeling' of my life started to plummet towards
the end of stage 4 and into stage 5. It was all fine since it seemed I was working towards something and doing things I had strongly resisted doing in the past which was a big breakthrough for me.
But I'm seeing now that resisting those things was perhaps for a reason. All the natural incentive I had towards working for myself turned into normal work since for financial reasons I couldn't keep supporting myself while I worked on my own business and personal training. So I've taken a crappy bar job and now I'm working 4 days a week in that and 3 days a week doing freelance..and cleaning for my gym so I can train myself and clients there for free. So I'm busy all the time and it kind of blows.
Now I feel right back where I was years ago a bit. I'm a different, more capable person, absolutely, I like to believe that but I still can't separate that out from my life circumstances, which are really pissing me off. Maybe that is Alpha, but I figured Alpha would be independently fulfilled from within and then act assertively and accordingly.
Also, I've gone out a couple times in the past few weeks, and man do I feel 'off my game'. The whole nightlife scene is a bit of its own beast, and a splash not to 'high consciousness'...but even when I was having a great time and being super confident...things either were clicking but didn't work out for whatever reasons... or things weren't clicking, with my friends or with woman...and it feels like its cause I want something out of it...whatever..its always a fun process to learn again. I just have a lot to hammer home I guess...One more stage and then I'll be running AM 6 after this.