Deservedness

[Artemis]

So i'm 18 days into OF. Been listening 7-8 hours at night on speakers, loud, on both sides of the pillow. And on headphones 4-8 hours in the day time. Loud also. So basically maximizing exposure as much as possible.

I have had insane resistance. Like i have never experienced before on any sub. Not ASC 5g as a first sub. Not OGSF, not even AM5. AM was close in the first stage, but not really.
This resistance was something else. Even though there were thoughts of stopping listening to AM, i would never actually consider it. Apart from the usual, depression, frustration, negativity, which is all cakewalk when you realize its for the greater good. There she was, fear, taking its last stand. The pressure was so much i had to quit listening to the sub for 24 hours. I couldn't sleep with the sub on, i couldn't listen to the sub on headphones in the day. Nothing. It was awesome. I love every minute of it. Because i knew what it meant.

And boy did i notice this yesterday at the bar.
My boss invited me to go have a drink yesterday, to talk business. He bought another shop and wanted to talk about my position there. As we walk in around 11 pm, (keep in mind this is a small bar on a Tuesday night. There were literally 15 beautiful girls in a group just standing, sitting, talking at the bar. And maybe 5 guys in another table. My boss and another coworker were obviously struck and overwhelmed when they all looked over, and just looked completely sexy as f*ck. They were visibly lost for a second. Kinda standing there not being able to decide where to sit for a second.
I notice this, and while they are doing their thing i gesture them to sit in a chair adjacent at the bar so we could see them all. They follow, i sit in the middle. While this is happening i'm not acknowledging any of the girls, if you looked at me it would look like i didn't give two shits if they were there or not. Zero fear, zero anxiety, zero stress. Confident as a motherf*cker. My boss and the colleague had trouble focusing on the task at hand. Lol. But i led the conversations. Eventually i had to check out the girls and what they were doing, because come on im not gay. And i swear to you, the two hottest girls there. A 10++ and a 9.5 were eye f*cking me like i have never been eye f*cked before. Non stop 10-20 second eye contact. Every.single.time. i would look over. Be it 5 minutes apart. She would be looking sexy as f*ck, eye f*ucking me like i was the last man on earth.
Both of them did, but naturally i noticed the hottest one more. Jessica Alba is a 9.5 to me, in her prime. So this girl is one of the hottest girls i have ever laid eyes on. And her body? Oh man. I lift, and love girls who squat. But her body was, oh Lord have mercy.
And i was NOT PHASED BY THIS ONCE. I gave the eye f*cking right back. To the point where it became so funny i started chuckling and smiling. My colleague even mentioned how i had game. Said something about me looking at a girl a certain way. This never ever ever ever would of happened before listening to OF. Before OF and AM i would of walked in and stood there like a complete moron for a second. I would have never picked the seat up in front, i would of never been able to eye f*ck any girl, i would never have able to sit in front of the bar and feel completely comfortable. I have removed just SOME fear from my life, and life is now so much better. My theories were not all bad

Unfortunately because of self worth issues, i ended up getting upset at myself for this and we left. We just f*ucking left.
She was standing in the DOORWAY, with her butt facing me as i was walking out. I had ZERO fear, but i just squeezed right by her like a phaggot because of my God damn childhood issues. F*ucking pathetic.
Now you guys know why i need help

Geez, this is awesome. I'll definitely need to use OF after AM6, and maybe before SM3. I was hoping EPRAHA would work significantly on my fears but it just made me feel a little less sad and didn't give me any major release.