05-19-2014, 03:49 PM
Last night was my first night with AM6. The first thing I noticed halfway through the masked track was that I felt like a fucking alpha. I felt like I took up more space and I really, really felt like a man. It's a feeling I've never felt before, actually feeling like a man. I usually try to be as unimposing as possible. The second thing I noticed was that I refused to take excuses from myself. This has been the #1 thing I've tried to fix and even thought was impossible. I sat down and did some of my homework, and even though I didn't finish it, the very act of sitting down and doing it was a massive improvement for me.
There have been noticeable changes in my levels of anxiety, guilt, and shame, and I feel more comfortable now. I started the day off like the most alpha I've ever been. I felt large and in charge, but once I got to school the familiar anxiety started wearing down on me until I became my old beta self.
I kept thinking things like:
"What do they think of me?"
"Does this girl like me?"
"Am I being too creepy?"
"What's the right thing to say/do in this situation?"
and constantly daydreaming and by the end of the day I was only a shadow of what I was in the morning. What was also really cool was that I didn't feel lonely at all today. Usually I feel very very lonely through out the day, and my anxiety and low self esteem often times make it hard to talk to others, but I didn't feel like I needed anyone today, although I did talk to others, a lot more than I usually do too!
The good news with all of this is that I know how to overcome it. Luckily I have both the Sedona Method and FEFT at my disposal and I can use both of them to take away this fear. The biggest obstacle for me right now is that I'm afraid that if I'm not constantly checking myself on my behavior I'll start to become out of control. I make a little progress with overcoming anxiety and other things but then I fear losing control and getting into trouble so I back off.
Right now my goals are:
Learn the Butyeko breathing method: I realized that a really big part of why I'm anxious is because my body isn't getting enough oxygen. This makes me anxious, gives me ADD like symptoms, keeps me in my head and makes it very difficult to sleep. I didn't even know this was really a thing until a few weeks ago!
Looking back I can connect the dots and see how this has been affecting me. I hope by learning how to breathe properly and more effortlessly I can overcome my anxiety and gain a little more peace in my life.
Learn to stretch and develop a light exercise routine: I want to learn how to stretch to keep myself less tense and get a little exercise in during the week too. Not too much exercise I'm thinking, just a few push ups and pull ups and such.
Regularly take cold showers: I took my first (semi) cold shower in a while in that I didn't want to risk getting sick so I stepped into hot water first. Hopefully I can make this a regular thing and I know the health benefits are well worth it.
Finish all my homework: This one goes without explaining.
Make an honest assessment of myself: One thing I noticed while on this sub was that I live halfway in a fantasy world. Sometimes I catch painful glimpses of reality, but I shy away and retreat further and further into my imagination. I want to embrace reality and make living really fun for myself without having to imagine what its like to do things.
The first step in me doing this is making an honest assessment of my flaws and successes. I have never done this and it honestly scares me. I know I'll be a lot farther behind than I'd like to think, but this is a very necessary step for me and I'll be much happier after sorting through all of this.
I've found that I often times just put a smiley face over the emotions I'm feeling. I constructed a very large, successful self-image of myself but It's all a lie to protect my ego and I need to go without it.
There have been noticeable changes in my levels of anxiety, guilt, and shame, and I feel more comfortable now. I started the day off like the most alpha I've ever been. I felt large and in charge, but once I got to school the familiar anxiety started wearing down on me until I became my old beta self.
I kept thinking things like:
"What do they think of me?"
"Does this girl like me?"
"Am I being too creepy?"
"What's the right thing to say/do in this situation?"
and constantly daydreaming and by the end of the day I was only a shadow of what I was in the morning. What was also really cool was that I didn't feel lonely at all today. Usually I feel very very lonely through out the day, and my anxiety and low self esteem often times make it hard to talk to others, but I didn't feel like I needed anyone today, although I did talk to others, a lot more than I usually do too!
The good news with all of this is that I know how to overcome it. Luckily I have both the Sedona Method and FEFT at my disposal and I can use both of them to take away this fear. The biggest obstacle for me right now is that I'm afraid that if I'm not constantly checking myself on my behavior I'll start to become out of control. I make a little progress with overcoming anxiety and other things but then I fear losing control and getting into trouble so I back off.
Right now my goals are:
Learn the Butyeko breathing method: I realized that a really big part of why I'm anxious is because my body isn't getting enough oxygen. This makes me anxious, gives me ADD like symptoms, keeps me in my head and makes it very difficult to sleep. I didn't even know this was really a thing until a few weeks ago!
Looking back I can connect the dots and see how this has been affecting me. I hope by learning how to breathe properly and more effortlessly I can overcome my anxiety and gain a little more peace in my life.
Learn to stretch and develop a light exercise routine: I want to learn how to stretch to keep myself less tense and get a little exercise in during the week too. Not too much exercise I'm thinking, just a few push ups and pull ups and such.
Regularly take cold showers: I took my first (semi) cold shower in a while in that I didn't want to risk getting sick so I stepped into hot water first. Hopefully I can make this a regular thing and I know the health benefits are well worth it.
Finish all my homework: This one goes without explaining.
Make an honest assessment of myself: One thing I noticed while on this sub was that I live halfway in a fantasy world. Sometimes I catch painful glimpses of reality, but I shy away and retreat further and further into my imagination. I want to embrace reality and make living really fun for myself without having to imagine what its like to do things.
The first step in me doing this is making an honest assessment of my flaws and successes. I have never done this and it honestly scares me. I know I'll be a lot farther behind than I'd like to think, but this is a very necessary step for me and I'll be much happier after sorting through all of this.
I've found that I often times just put a smiley face over the emotions I'm feeling. I constructed a very large, successful self-image of myself but It's all a lie to protect my ego and I need to go without it.
