03-05-2014, 08:37 PM
Sometimes I forget that conscious intervention can help unstick myself when it comes to change. And actually thinking about the why behind a certain fear is a lot more helpful than just seeing it as fear without a reason. All fear has a reason behind it. It's not this disembodied emotion that floats around in our bodies.
I've been thinking about moving past depression and anxiety. I feel like my life would be so much better. At the same time I'm reluctant to let them go because it's been a struggle in my life. And for some reason I want acknowledgement for all that pain and struggle I've gone through. I'm worried that once I move past all of this I'll feel stupid. Like if it was as easy as just letting it go, why didn't I do it years ago? It's all about taking responsibility and maybe I wasn't taking responsibility at all. Maybe it's looking to the past and seeing all the dumb stuff I did. Maybe it's because all these issues have become my identity and being anything else is strange and uncomfortable
I think my pattern of getting stuck in it was a certain mentality. I'd try stuff and claim it didn't work. But I'd hold onto it because if I was instantly cured I'd feel like I was a liar for all those years. The irony would be feeling better would actually make me feel worse about myself.
I'm probably gonna keep introspecting about this stuff. I notice the more awareness I put on it, the more it tends to dissolve. But change can only happen if the person is willing to change. In my case, I don't think I am, not yet. As miserable as depression and anxiety are, there are some reasons I've held onto them throughout the years. Not necessarily consciously, but they are there. There's a lot of ego in the way when they are brought to light however. Not really sure how to move past that, probably gonna take some time and I'm ok with that. Once everything clicks and my mind is in agreement, I'm sure then I'll be able to move on.
I've been thinking about moving past depression and anxiety. I feel like my life would be so much better. At the same time I'm reluctant to let them go because it's been a struggle in my life. And for some reason I want acknowledgement for all that pain and struggle I've gone through. I'm worried that once I move past all of this I'll feel stupid. Like if it was as easy as just letting it go, why didn't I do it years ago? It's all about taking responsibility and maybe I wasn't taking responsibility at all. Maybe it's looking to the past and seeing all the dumb stuff I did. Maybe it's because all these issues have become my identity and being anything else is strange and uncomfortable
I think my pattern of getting stuck in it was a certain mentality. I'd try stuff and claim it didn't work. But I'd hold onto it because if I was instantly cured I'd feel like I was a liar for all those years. The irony would be feeling better would actually make me feel worse about myself.
I'm probably gonna keep introspecting about this stuff. I notice the more awareness I put on it, the more it tends to dissolve. But change can only happen if the person is willing to change. In my case, I don't think I am, not yet. As miserable as depression and anxiety are, there are some reasons I've held onto them throughout the years. Not necessarily consciously, but they are there. There's a lot of ego in the way when they are brought to light however. Not really sure how to move past that, probably gonna take some time and I'm ok with that. Once everything clicks and my mind is in agreement, I'm sure then I'll be able to move on.
