Revisiting guilt, shame, and fear

[mat422]

I'm not going to read the article because you are not a doctor (I don't think!) and therefore your analysis is most likely exaggerated.

Try to give me specific examples from your life without judgement. So, instead of saying "I bottle myself up when around people because I'm avoiding something"

Try to be more observant. WHAT are you doing? Do you stop talking when someone laughs? Do you get hot and feel like you're blushing when someone asks a question?

Objective observation is the only way to solve anything, imo.
By the way, how are your sessions going with your analyst?

Fair enough. I've always had issues seeing my problems in an objective manner.

First of all the biggest issue is avoidance itself. I'll have a tendency to put off things if I don't push myself hard enough. It's like my default reaction is to avoid things that cause me anxiety. In my moments of weakness this becomes a problem because one slip up can start a chain reaction.

I'll notice in my interactions I'll have a tendency to be overly friendly. Which I only do because I don't want to come across as serious and angry. Either way it's the anxiety itself that drives my unwanted behavior. I'll also stutter at times, lose my train of thought, choke on my words, or have trouble focusing and kind of zone out to get away from the anxiety. I'll watch people's actions and words with hyper vigilance in a kind of defensive manner. I'm always "on", I can't relax, it's like I perceive people as a threat to me.

I don't know if any of that was really objective at all.

My sessions with my therapist have been good. But I could probably get a lot more out of it if I opened up more. My anxiety tends to prevent me from doing that and I'll hide stuff in a very knee jerk response. So it's taking a while for me to actually dig out some of the deeper stuff.