02-21-2014, 01:23 PM
The more I use this sub the more it feels like things come in waves. There was a lot of tension and emotional issues that came up the past few days. The kind that makes me want to tear at my skin. And I have to be careful about recognizing when stuff is being released so I don't hold onto it thinking that things are getting worse.
And I realized that my perfectionist ways were causing me to have trouble with processing emotions. I realized I just have to let it pass. If I feel really awful I just have to do my best to make the best of it, but not beat myself up for feeling those feelings. Everything seems to be taken care of in the background of my mind, so lately I just don't ruminate as much on things and I just trust time will allow me to heal. Also making music helps a lot. I feel like I'm able to vent a lot of my feelings without words.
But I might be getting sick. This sub has definitely been putting me through hell. But these past few days I've been able to let go of things a lot easier and my overly critical side has subsided a lot. Life has become a bit more enjoyable now that I'm not caught up in being afraid of mistakes and failing. My self esteem no longer takes a nose dive when things get bad which is incredibly relieving. The most painful thing was knowing intellectually how mistakes weren't bad and they just helped me learn, but having this knee jerk response of immense shame when I messed up. I may slip up in the future, but for now things aren't that big of a deal, I just don't react as strongly because I know it doesn't serve a purpose and only makes me feel worse.
I also realized a very strong part of me not improving much over the years was a lack of self expression. I always had this little voice in my head that told me I was completely wrong and I should just shut up. Most of my feelings became a source of shame. And eventually I started to distrust myself a lot which caused this constant anxiety because I felt like I was completely incompetent in everything I did.
And I realized that my perfectionist ways were causing me to have trouble with processing emotions. I realized I just have to let it pass. If I feel really awful I just have to do my best to make the best of it, but not beat myself up for feeling those feelings. Everything seems to be taken care of in the background of my mind, so lately I just don't ruminate as much on things and I just trust time will allow me to heal. Also making music helps a lot. I feel like I'm able to vent a lot of my feelings without words.
But I might be getting sick. This sub has definitely been putting me through hell. But these past few days I've been able to let go of things a lot easier and my overly critical side has subsided a lot. Life has become a bit more enjoyable now that I'm not caught up in being afraid of mistakes and failing. My self esteem no longer takes a nose dive when things get bad which is incredibly relieving. The most painful thing was knowing intellectually how mistakes weren't bad and they just helped me learn, but having this knee jerk response of immense shame when I messed up. I may slip up in the future, but for now things aren't that big of a deal, I just don't react as strongly because I know it doesn't serve a purpose and only makes me feel worse.
I also realized a very strong part of me not improving much over the years was a lack of self expression. I always had this little voice in my head that told me I was completely wrong and I should just shut up. Most of my feelings became a source of shame. And eventually I started to distrust myself a lot which caused this constant anxiety because I felt like I was completely incompetent in everything I did.
