01-16-2014, 10:39 AM
Day 2
I don't know about you guys ( who did AM5 already ), but depression started to kick in already. I got really annoyed today by my co-worker who has a crush on me. Prior to starting AM5, I enjoyed the attention I got because I really needed it, but now, I'm very annoyed.
Also, during break I've realized that Valentine's Day is coming up and that I don't have anybody to spend it with. And that make me feel really down and it affected my performance at work. After this, going home from work, I started to read David Deida's "The Way Of The Superior Man". And it struck home really bad. It reminded me of how much I messed up all my relationships by being too selfish and not opening up to myself and to my GF in many ways, being out of touch with the dynamics of a relationship and all. It made me very angry and at the same time really sad. It made me feel that the more I advance in age and experience, either the less I know about women and relationships or the more I make mistakes that cost me very much. It made me feel that the world of relationships is very complicated and very counter-intuitive and if I get into a relationship now, it'll be very tiresome to "keep my guard up" ( so to speak ).
But that's a terrible mindset to have, "keeping your guard up". It's not like your partner is your enemy, because she's not. And that's probably the reason I messed up.
Anyway, it also made me aware of stuff that previously I thought I can handle them or knew them, but knowing is not enough. I must do.
Maybe I have the "victim" mentality, or at least I'm aware of a "victim" mindset : I understand what the social pressures and consequences are for women in today's world, but at the same time aren't we as men prone to social pressures? Of course we are. But I'm having trouble being at peace with it. I know deep down that neither man nor woman is better than the other; that we complete eachother; that equality, though a very ambiguous term, should be embraced and be exploited from multiple perspectives both inward as men and outward to women.
I've never been more aware of how much the core of my masculinity is shattered all over the place. And honestly, I don't even know if it was whole before ( or at least as close to being whole ) or was it always shattered and never noticed.
I don't know about you guys ( who did AM5 already ), but depression started to kick in already. I got really annoyed today by my co-worker who has a crush on me. Prior to starting AM5, I enjoyed the attention I got because I really needed it, but now, I'm very annoyed.
Also, during break I've realized that Valentine's Day is coming up and that I don't have anybody to spend it with. And that make me feel really down and it affected my performance at work. After this, going home from work, I started to read David Deida's "The Way Of The Superior Man". And it struck home really bad. It reminded me of how much I messed up all my relationships by being too selfish and not opening up to myself and to my GF in many ways, being out of touch with the dynamics of a relationship and all. It made me very angry and at the same time really sad. It made me feel that the more I advance in age and experience, either the less I know about women and relationships or the more I make mistakes that cost me very much. It made me feel that the world of relationships is very complicated and very counter-intuitive and if I get into a relationship now, it'll be very tiresome to "keep my guard up" ( so to speak ).
But that's a terrible mindset to have, "keeping your guard up". It's not like your partner is your enemy, because she's not. And that's probably the reason I messed up.
Anyway, it also made me aware of stuff that previously I thought I can handle them or knew them, but knowing is not enough. I must do.
Maybe I have the "victim" mentality, or at least I'm aware of a "victim" mindset : I understand what the social pressures and consequences are for women in today's world, but at the same time aren't we as men prone to social pressures? Of course we are. But I'm having trouble being at peace with it. I know deep down that neither man nor woman is better than the other; that we complete eachother; that equality, though a very ambiguous term, should be embraced and be exploited from multiple perspectives both inward as men and outward to women.
I've never been more aware of how much the core of my masculinity is shattered all over the place. And honestly, I don't even know if it was whole before ( or at least as close to being whole ) or was it always shattered and never noticed.
What I can be, I must be!
