12-28-2013, 02:30 PM
I think too much. But it's a symptom of a bigger problem. The reason being, some kind of fear. Not necessarily fear of failure, I don't think. Or maybe it is. But just doing something wrong seems bad. Making mistakes isn't bad and I think I just have to expose myself to mistakes and work on confronting mistakes and shortcomings. Right now I feel like I fell into a really bad habit of avoidance. And once I'm there it's a very viscous cycle. I start to withdraw from everything, suddenly I'm afraid of choosing the wrong movie to watch or the wrong food to eat, no joke. It's incredibly stupid, but again it's not something I can think myself out of because thinking got me there in the first place.
I also realized one of my very very strong defense mechanisms is I'll get this perceived tiredness. So for example I've got this book I've been meaning to read to help me out with all my problems. First problem is, I keep avoiding it. I wanted this book, but the funny thing is I'm afraid to read it. Then even when I manage to sit down to read I am blindsided by this tremendous feeling of fatigue. Nothing gets internalized, I get stressed and I feel like putting the book down. The weird thing is once I stop reading I'll regain my energy. Same with making music.
All this leads me to my next point. I'm finally seeing a therapist now and I realized that I am the worst at addressing any problems I have. I sabotage myself in so many ways and half the time I'm not even conscious of them. And I think part of that is ego or something. It's the reason why it's so easy to help others, but when it comes to myself it's a hell of a lot harder.
I also realized one of my very very strong defense mechanisms is I'll get this perceived tiredness. So for example I've got this book I've been meaning to read to help me out with all my problems. First problem is, I keep avoiding it. I wanted this book, but the funny thing is I'm afraid to read it. Then even when I manage to sit down to read I am blindsided by this tremendous feeling of fatigue. Nothing gets internalized, I get stressed and I feel like putting the book down. The weird thing is once I stop reading I'll regain my energy. Same with making music.
All this leads me to my next point. I'm finally seeing a therapist now and I realized that I am the worst at addressing any problems I have. I sabotage myself in so many ways and half the time I'm not even conscious of them. And I think part of that is ego or something. It's the reason why it's so easy to help others, but when it comes to myself it's a hell of a lot harder.
