DMSI 3.2 Magnus

[Magnus]

Thanks Fonzy, This sub in particular I seem to be very receptive to and it seems to put me into a nice state of flow. I found with AM I grew a lot but was hit with resistance the whole way through. I was riddled with anxiety most of the way through due to resisting through fear. WM wasn't so bad as that had OF in it which seemed to help me.

I had an experience in the weekend that on reflection showed how much I have changed over the last few years since I've been on this journey. On Friday night I headed out for our yearly work function and found myself quite easily being able to socialize with others around, My words and conversations were flowing and fitting in nicely with everything that was going on around me where as I quite often struggle with unintentionally interrupting as I think people have finished talking. So having finished the work function I bumped into a few friends at a bar we chatted away and decided to head off to another bar. Then one of my friends bumped into another girl that he knew. This was the sort of girl that all guys turn to look at, the girl that has guys fawning over her. So we got to talking as we are both smokers and were outside having a cigarette. She then asked if we could go out the front as we were smoking out the back.

her: "Lets go out front"
me: "Why?"
her: "I need someone to wait with me outside while my ride comes to pick me up"
me: "But I just got a drink and want to go inside to drink it"
her: "You know I always get what I want"
me: "oh yea"
her: "Are you single?"
me: "Yea"
her: "If you come outside with me i'll hook you up with one of my hot friend"
me: "No I want to drink my beer and catch up with mates"
her: "Come on" Grab my hand and start pulling me towards the door, then tries to put her arm around me
me: "I'm staying in here"

Eventually I get myself free and she disappears. The thing was here that I genuinely wanted to stay inside and have a drink with friends so I did just that. I wasn't thinking oh if I play hard to get she will want me, I just genuinely didn't care in a way. A few years back I would have said sure i'll come wait with you in the hope that she would give me more love and attention or maybe even if I was OH so lucky have sex with me. That for me is a testament to how much I have changed.

I also joined toastmasters this week. Went along for my first meeting tonight, was very nervous but at the same time I took action in the face of fear and I need to do this more and more.

Shannon I noticed you mentioned about EHPR in your journal. Got to say I'm excited about this one I have been hoping something similar would come out for a while now and there it is. Its also just been made the top of my subs to listen to list once it comes out I was thinking would this not make a great precursor to AM for those who struggle with a lot of resistance?