Alpha 5.0

[mat422]

A lot of what you just said is ringing true to me, but you sound like you're putting yourself at the mercy of chance/fate, which I am wholly against.

I have had my own trouble the last few days (specifically the respect/love everyone vs. follow what my heart tells me) and I've come up with something that might help me, might not, but I just thought to myself, if I KNEW I would never get a woman ever in my life, how would I act? Would I love everyone and respect them or not?

See, when we take our goal (for me it's women, for you it may be different) and we pit that against what we'd prefer if it wasn't attainable, I find it's easy to just let go of all the things we do to try and achieve that result.

Maybe you just need to let go of trying to get what you want via suggestions and follow your heart more? Sounds cheesy I know, and half of this is guess work. All you can do is go by your experience, and no one knows that better than you.

This is just me, but sometimes you can't control what happens. We're only human, we aren't gods. I am very controlling and it's a habit I've been trying to break. It may sound like giving myself over to chance/fate, but I see it more as accepting things for what they are and addressing them instead of being so in denial I make no progress. Similar to the scene in Fight Club where he tells him to let go of the wheel. But it could just be me swinging to the other extreme, maybe I just haven't reached equilibrium yet.

I know what you're saying. Unfortunately my goals aren't as simple as just getting more women. I'm struggling with living in this world. I feel like I'm behind all the time and I can't catch up. I don't know how to describe it, but it's become a chore to live life. The negatives seem to be outweighing the positives. I'm working on this, but like I said it's getting serious. Every day I've been waking up with anxiety because I'm worried that I won't be able to support myself or I'm one step away from a complete mental breakdown.

So I recently bought a book about psychodynamic theory and defense mechanisms. It opened my eyes to a lot of issues. Particularly early childhood development. Supposedly if a mother doesn't give a child enough attention or meet it's dependent needs it permanently alters the brain of the child. Now it got me thinking about my parents. If I'm completely honest, I'm not sure I grew up in a very functional home. And my mom was quite distant as a kid, even though she was there physically it always seemed like she was somewhere else mentally. I'm sure she gave me attention other times, but the negative did stick out a lot more. My dad had his outbursts and anger. All in all I wasn't in an abusive home, but at the same time I feel like there were some things that went wrong.

So I'm reading this book and it starts talking about shame. Shame that stays with a kid into an adult because they are constantly burdened with feelings of not being good enough. Something that bothered me was this therapist who wrote the book said you can't move past this shame, but you can learn to live with it and develop better habits and behaviors that make you happy. He also talked about idealism and how wanting to be this amazing self aware superhuman person with mastery over their emotions and problems would cause you a lot of suffering. And part of me wants that. I want to move on past issues and be this great person. But according to him that's a defense mechanism, a way to avoid the inner pain and step into a role of being this god like person with complete control over themselves. And deep down I feel like he's right, but at the same time I so desperately want to believe that he's wrong. That I can transcend my problems.

I guess it made me think about these subliminals. In the past I felt like fear is what held me back from making a change. But that's certainly only a part of it. I feel like I also have this feeling of not deserving of having a good life. That even if I worked on myself and became this better person, deep down I'd feel like I was faking it all.

I find that rarely are we allowed to discuss negative emotions or feelings or troubles. And if we do people want to cover it up with positivity. The truth is I feel ashamed of even having negative emotions about myself. And I think in order to grow I have to be able to say that I'm ok with having these emotions because they are part of the human experience. They point to deeper issues. I think for a long time I've been unaware of what I've actually been repressing. The funny thing is there are emotions that I consciously repress, those feelings I can feel bubbling under the surface. And then there are the even deeper ones. The ones outside of my conscious realm which I refuse to acknowledge. Perhaps because it's too painful, embarassing, or I've been told that it's "too negative".

The thing that bothered me in the book was the way the author made it seem like what's done is done and any harm done can't be erased only overwritten with new stuff. I always question everything and part of me screamed that this can't be true. But maybe it's just denial, maybe I don't want to believe that some things are just out of my control and I have to accept it.

When you get into defense mechanisms it's easy to label this or that as a defense mechanism. And any statement can be turned upside down by twisting words. I think Freud was quite adept at that. So sometimes it's hard to tell where persistence and dedication to growth lies vs a defense mechanism that needs to be disarmed.

All in all I'm still struggling and I'm pretty much done pretending to be fine when I'm really not. I find that being open and honest does a world of good for my mental health as opposed to trying to convince myself things are ok. Even if it's just being open with myself.

I'm curious Mat, are you an only child?

I think many people have their opinions and theory's, and you need to hear the parts that make sense to you in your life and your circumstances. Use what other people say in a way to help yourself. There's nothing wrong with owning how you feel as long as you're not contemplating hurting yourself or anyone else. Sometimes just the knowledge of knowing you feel it and it's there, helps to actually let it go some so you can some relief. I think you're at an age that you question many things. My boys are right there with ya! They seem to delve into every single thing that's going on in the world to find the ulterior motive....but sometimes an apple is just an apple. But curiosity can be a good thing. The more you look into why you feel the way you do, and possibly some day find the answer, you can share with other who may be in your same position. I'm sure everyone who writes any kind of self help book was originally curious about the issue they're addressing. It doesn't mean their answer is the right one for you but they want to share because it's what helped them maybe. And hopefully you find a piece of it that will help give you some relief. Keep searching...

Nope, I'm actually a middle child. I've got two other brothers.

You are right. I feel like I'm old, but really I'm pretty young. I'm only 22. I feel like I'm still learning how this world works in some ways. And I do tend to get carried away with stuff, it's one of the things that has caused me to view things in a too black and white manner. To me I always find it interesting how one thing can work for one person and do absolutely nothing for another. I guess if anything it's frustration with not having any of the answers.

Late night epiphany. Gonna get this out quick then head to bed so I'm not tired tomorrow.

Anyway this whole depression thing. I notice my depression is really strong when I think of having a 9-5 job doing work that I really don't care about and trading hours of my life for money that I just need to survive. Maybe I'm a square peg trying to fit into a round hole and I've been beating myself up for being who I am.

Granted I still deal with social anxiety and life hasn't been a cakewalk, and surely it can't all boil down to what I do for a living and how I make money. But if I'm honest with myself, I think I am causing my own unhappiness because I keep pushing myself to do things I know deep down aren't for me. But I keep doing it because I've been conditioned with fear from everyone around me.

Maybe it's not really me. Maybe it's just society. And when I voice my opinion that it's all ***** and there's got to be a better way I get tough love and people saying that's life get used to it. Isn't it funny how people's default response is to push you into becoming another cog in the machine? There's nothing wrong with having one of those jobs if you enjoy it, but what if you don't? What if the idea of going to a mind numbing job drives you to suicide?

I've still got my issues to work on. I want freedom from fear. I want to be able to just live without fear. Even if I had a crappy part time job and didn't worry about things like getting fired or screwing up or pissing someone off and I could make enough money to support myself and keep going with my passion for music, that would be a good life for me. I don't want the big house with the white fence, golden retriever dog, housewife, and two kids. I'm not traditional, I've never been traditional. If I could just look someone in the eyes that I work for and they treat me like garbage and tell them to screw themselves and land another job, that would be ideal. If I could just get there. Right now I'm still living in fear. I'm living in fear of the what ifs and I'm slowly being pushed into stuff I hate because of fear of not having money, being homeless, etc.

I want that more than anything. I want freedom to say and do what I want. My father, who I love, but was a terrible role model for me I feel has systematically taught me to fear every little thing that could happen. And now I'm stuck. But I'm clawing my way out and I don't just want this reality, I need it because living in anything less will drive me insane.

This may not be the whole reason here. But hell I have to admit that this job I have now has made my depression worse. And what did I do? I told myself to get over it and I forced myself. Struggling with the depression I asked myself every day why am I depressed? And the answer there was clear as day, just all the conditioning inside of me told me I was wrong, that a job can't make you depressed, it's got to be something else get over yourself. I don't care what anyone else says, the way I live my life is for me and I ultimately decide what's right. I only have so long to live, I'm not going to keep wasting it out of fear.

Hopefully all this is a step in the right direction. I need this because I can't do this anymore. When I think back to when I was really depressed and had those feelings of suicide at times. I realize it wasn't me, it was society. I wanted a way out and I just couldn't see it, I couldn't see how to climb above all the ***** and live a fulfilling life for myself. I think I might be starting to understand better and start making changes towards that.

I watched a show the other day on brain imagining for people suffering with depression, and the difference between a person's brain with depression vs. one without was really quite dramatic. Unfortunately, they don't yet use it much to determine the best way of helping people. I think it's in the future plan though. I don't remember your views on meds but I was extremely skeptical myself until my own usage helped me tremendously. But, I don't feel using them alone would be a great effect. However, using them in coordination with these subs and faster eft, have gotten my where I am now, on the shortest route possible with the least amount of agitation. I'm not saying you need to take medication to feel better but maybe it's something you should look into so that life at this point doesn't have to be so hard for you. Sometimes it's just the chemical make-up, and once that's balanced, so are you.

As far as a job goes, yeah you have to eat. Here's the thing I tell my kids. Even if you can't at this time do exactly what you want to (because you probably have no idea what that it), do something as close as you can in the realm of what you enjoy. For instance, you might want to look for something in the music industry, even if it's just working in the music department of a store. The closer you are to what you like, the better at your job you will be. And life will guide to the perfect place for you but you need to listen to what it's whispering in your ear and in your case, I believe it's music. Ever thought about tutoring/teaching kids how to play what you play?

It's always the chicken and egg scenario. Are the brains different because of some biological reason? Or is the negative thoughts what made physical changes to the brain? Personally I think they could be equally valid, but it seems like some people really swing to one side of the argument and refuse to accept the other. I used to be against medication. I always thought it was a huge conspiracy theory and a way to make profits. But I've read stories from people who have really been helped by it and it made me realize that maybe it is correcting something, but scientists just don't know yet. I've been considering it lately, along with cognitive behavioral therapy. The tough part is getting the money for therapy, unfortunately I need to pay 500 into a deductible before insurance offers to pay for the rest and even then it's a 30 dollar copay. 500 dollars is a large chunk of change for a therapist that may not even be good or for something that may not be effective.

Thanks Patti, it's good advice. I've never considered tutoring kids how to play. It's tricky because I don't really play anything. It's more like I construct different loops and put them together in a song. It's a lot of different aspects you have to learn, I'm not sure if kids would be able to grasp a lot of it. I mean learning guitar or piano isn't easy, but with electronic music it's like you have to be your own band. I'll keep it in mind though.

That post you quoted though. That was a bit of, well a lot of actually, an angry rant. That was me letting out my frustration. I love my music, but if I'm honest I cannot make a living off of it. Maybe I can use it to make additional income if anyone ever wants to buy it, but I need a steady job. It's like when my life is filled with such turmoil, music is my sanctuary and it's easy to get caught up in that feeling and want it all the time. But in the end it's still an escape and I have to confront reality. Maybe there is something else out there and I haven't found it yet. But I think maybe I've been making my usual mistake of trying to explain everything away with one solution or finding one root cause to everything. And on top of that music became too tied to my identity as a person. Suddenly my self worth was being tied to my artistic ability and if I didn't create something good I felt like less of a person. So I kind of realized even if I could never make music again in my life, I should still be a healthy functioning individual. Music shouldn't be the thing that holds me together because that's very shaky ground to stand on.