Alpha 5.0

[Patti]

Late night epiphany. Gonna get this out quick then head to bed so I'm not tired tomorrow.

Anyway this whole depression thing. I notice my depression is really strong when I think of having a 9-5 job doing work that I really don't care about and trading hours of my life for money that I just need to survive. Maybe I'm a square peg trying to fit into a round hole and I've been beating myself up for being who I am.

Granted I still deal with social anxiety and life hasn't been a cakewalk, and surely it can't all boil down to what I do for a living and how I make money. But if I'm honest with myself, I think I am causing my own unhappiness because I keep pushing myself to do things I know deep down aren't for me. But I keep doing it because I've been conditioned with fear from everyone around me.

Maybe it's not really me. Maybe it's just society. And when I voice my opinion that it's all ***** and there's got to be a better way I get tough love and people saying that's life get used to it. Isn't it funny how people's default response is to push you into becoming another cog in the machine? There's nothing wrong with having one of those jobs if you enjoy it, but what if you don't? What if the idea of going to a mind numbing job drives you to suicide?

I've still got my issues to work on. I want freedom from fear. I want to be able to just live without fear. Even if I had a crappy part time job and didn't worry about things like getting fired or screwing up or pissing someone off and I could make enough money to support myself and keep going with my passion for music, that would be a good life for me. I don't want the big house with the white fence, golden retriever dog, housewife, and two kids. I'm not traditional, I've never been traditional. If I could just look someone in the eyes that I work for and they treat me like garbage and tell them to screw themselves and land another job, that would be ideal. If I could just get there. Right now I'm still living in fear. I'm living in fear of the what ifs and I'm slowly being pushed into stuff I hate because of fear of not having money, being homeless, etc.

I want that more than anything. I want freedom to say and do what I want. My father, who I love, but was a terrible role model for me I feel has systematically taught me to fear every little thing that could happen. And now I'm stuck. But I'm clawing my way out and I don't just want this reality, I need it because living in anything less will drive me insane.

This may not be the whole reason here. But hell I have to admit that this job I have now has made my depression worse. And what did I do? I told myself to get over it and I forced myself. Struggling with the depression I asked myself every day why am I depressed? And the answer there was clear as day, just all the conditioning inside of me told me I was wrong, that a job can't make you depressed, it's got to be something else get over yourself. I don't care what anyone else says, the way I live my life is for me and I ultimately decide what's right. I only have so long to live, I'm not going to keep wasting it out of fear.

Hopefully all this is a step in the right direction. I need this because I can't do this anymore. When I think back to when I was really depressed and had those feelings of suicide at times. I realize it wasn't me, it was society. I wanted a way out and I just couldn't see it, I couldn't see how to climb above all the ***** and live a fulfilling life for myself. I think I might be starting to understand better and start making changes towards that.

I watched a show the other day on brain imagining for people suffering with depression, and the difference between a person's brain with depression vs. one without was really quite dramatic. Unfortunately, they don't yet use it much to determine the best way of helping people. I think it's in the future plan though. I don't remember your views on meds but I was extremely skeptical myself until my own usage helped me tremendously. But, I don't feel using them alone would be a great effect. However, using them in coordination with these subs and faster eft, have gotten my where I am now, on the shortest route possible with the least amount of agitation. I'm not saying you need to take medication to feel better but maybe it's something you should look into so that life at this point doesn't have to be so hard for you. Sometimes it's just the chemical make-up, and once that's balanced, so are you.

As far as a job goes, yeah you have to eat. Here's the thing I tell my kids. Even if you can't at this time do exactly what you want to (because you probably have no idea what that it), do something as close as you can in the realm of what you enjoy. For instance, you might want to look for something in the music industry, even if it's just working in the music department of a store. The closer you are to what you like, the better at your job you will be. And life will guide to the perfect place for you but you need to listen to what it's whispering in your ear and in your case, I believe it's music. Ever thought about tutoring/teaching kids how to play what you play?