Alpha 5.0

[Patti]

So I recently bought a book about psychodynamic theory and defense mechanisms. It opened my eyes to a lot of issues. Particularly early childhood development. Supposedly if a mother doesn't give a child enough attention or meet it's dependent needs it permanently alters the brain of the child. Now it got me thinking about my parents. If I'm completely honest, I'm not sure I grew up in a very functional home. And my mom was quite distant as a kid, even though she was there physically it always seemed like she was somewhere else mentally. I'm sure she gave me attention other times, but the negative did stick out a lot more. My dad had his outbursts and anger. All in all I wasn't in an abusive home, but at the same time I feel like there were some things that went wrong.

So I'm reading this book and it starts talking about shame. Shame that stays with a kid into an adult because they are constantly burdened with feelings of not being good enough. Something that bothered me was this therapist who wrote the book said you can't move past this shame, but you can learn to live with it and develop better habits and behaviors that make you happy. He also talked about idealism and how wanting to be this amazing self aware superhuman person with mastery over their emotions and problems would cause you a lot of suffering. And part of me wants that. I want to move on past issues and be this great person. But according to him that's a defense mechanism, a way to avoid the inner pain and step into a role of being this god like person with complete control over themselves. And deep down I feel like he's right, but at the same time I so desperately want to believe that he's wrong. That I can transcend my problems.

I guess it made me think about these subliminals. In the past I felt like fear is what held me back from making a change. But that's certainly only a part of it. I feel like I also have this feeling of not deserving of having a good life. That even if I worked on myself and became this better person, deep down I'd feel like I was faking it all.

I find that rarely are we allowed to discuss negative emotions or feelings or troubles. And if we do people want to cover it up with positivity. The truth is I feel ashamed of even having negative emotions about myself. And I think in order to grow I have to be able to say that I'm ok with having these emotions because they are part of the human experience. They point to deeper issues. I think for a long time I've been unaware of what I've actually been repressing. The funny thing is there are emotions that I consciously repress, those feelings I can feel bubbling under the surface. And then there are the even deeper ones. The ones outside of my conscious realm which I refuse to acknowledge. Perhaps because it's too painful, embarassing, or I've been told that it's "too negative".

The thing that bothered me in the book was the way the author made it seem like what's done is done and any harm done can't be erased only overwritten with new stuff. I always question everything and part of me screamed that this can't be true. But maybe it's just denial, maybe I don't want to believe that some things are just out of my control and I have to accept it.

When you get into defense mechanisms it's easy to label this or that as a defense mechanism. And any statement can be turned upside down by twisting words. I think Freud was quite adept at that. So sometimes it's hard to tell where persistence and dedication to growth lies vs a defense mechanism that needs to be disarmed.

All in all I'm still struggling and I'm pretty much done pretending to be fine when I'm really not. I find that being open and honest does a world of good for my mental health as opposed to trying to convince myself things are ok. Even if it's just being open with myself.

I'm curious Mat, are you an only child?

I think many people have their opinions and theory's, and you need to hear the parts that make sense to you in your life and your circumstances. Use what other people say in a way to help yourself. There's nothing wrong with owning how you feel as long as you're not contemplating hurting yourself or anyone else. Sometimes just the knowledge of knowing you feel it and it's there, helps to actually let it go some so you can some relief. I think you're at an age that you question many things. My boys are right there with ya! They seem to delve into every single thing that's going on in the world to find the ulterior motive....but sometimes an apple is just an apple. But curiosity can be a good thing. The more you look into why you feel the way you do, and possibly some day find the answer, you can share with other who may be in your same position. I'm sure everyone who writes any kind of self help book was originally curious about the issue they're addressing. It doesn't mean their answer is the right one for you but they want to share because it's what helped them maybe. And hopefully you find a piece of it that will help give you some relief. Keep searching...