11-27-2013, 02:01 AM
Cheers! I've read some of your past posts and it definitely gave me some hope for running AMP after this - i really want to get over this anxiety and self doubt at work which totally kills my productivity and respect from people i work with.
It's been about a week since i started, and perhaps 4 days of having it on all night while i sleep.
I've noticed a few very subtle changes. I'm hating myself a little less, I tend to obsess over some socially awkward thing i have done for days or stress about some screw up at work, and where that's not available past memories will creep up to remind me what a dick i am. Those thoughts are still there but they are helped by a big realisation that I've created these situations and experiences, I can actually see where i've physically gone out of my way to prove that i'm not good enough! The other thought that arises is 'fuck it, who gives a shit', and then i try to think also about all the good things i've done, the people who really like me and make loads of effort to spend time with me, the successes i've had. that's not to say the problem is some how solved, far from it - the positive side is still faint, but it's there and is helping to not completely incapacitate me.
I've also accepted that i've allowed myself to become pretty screwed up socially. I don't really have an ability to relate to people or empathise - i just talk at them, or they talk at me, and there is no connection - so i always seem to feel alone. a few days ago my closest friend told me i've become autistic after a big argument, and i didn't disagree. How this can be resolved i don't know.
one way is that I've just decided to go out and be social anyway, i was seeing a girl briefly a while ago, she lives quite far (in another country) and wants to get together - she's really hot, and i've just been ignoring her because i don't have anything to say - these days i have no opinions, no real interests and i don't feel curious enough about anything to have a conversation. I also know that her interest is based on her thinking i'm something that i'm (currently) not. that doesn't matter - i'm just gonna go, if nothing to get a change of scene and to start, at least acting, like a person with a real life!
Off the back of a lot of posts I've read on this forum, I've also started looking into FEFT. It make alot more sense to me, personally, than EFT (which i did have some very temporary success with). I love the fact that its so simple and that you can 'mentally tap', and found myself doing this on the way to work in the morning, and on returning. I think this has contributed to my having abit more mental space and clarity to start handling all of these problems i think i have.
PMO does indeed seem like serious issue i have to tackle, I know that the one common factor for when i'm generally feeling sharper and more resiliant is when i haven't done it in like a week. i would love to eliminate it but how? it seems almost too ingrained in my life. Alchohol is also an energy killer, after drinking one night i sit in a mental haze for a good few days - but i find it really hard to get out of my head and be social without it!.
I've also noticed that social media (or my addiction to it), like youtube, fb, and twitter screw royally with my mental energy - its like how tv used to be for me, where i just get home and either on my computer or on my iphone i'm just clicking zombie like for hours, then before i know it the evening is over and any plans to do important things for organising my life/health or connecting with people is gone.
Anyway - that's day 4 I guess. The evolution continues.
/Darwin
It's been about a week since i started, and perhaps 4 days of having it on all night while i sleep.
I've noticed a few very subtle changes. I'm hating myself a little less, I tend to obsess over some socially awkward thing i have done for days or stress about some screw up at work, and where that's not available past memories will creep up to remind me what a dick i am. Those thoughts are still there but they are helped by a big realisation that I've created these situations and experiences, I can actually see where i've physically gone out of my way to prove that i'm not good enough! The other thought that arises is 'fuck it, who gives a shit', and then i try to think also about all the good things i've done, the people who really like me and make loads of effort to spend time with me, the successes i've had. that's not to say the problem is some how solved, far from it - the positive side is still faint, but it's there and is helping to not completely incapacitate me.
I've also accepted that i've allowed myself to become pretty screwed up socially. I don't really have an ability to relate to people or empathise - i just talk at them, or they talk at me, and there is no connection - so i always seem to feel alone. a few days ago my closest friend told me i've become autistic after a big argument, and i didn't disagree. How this can be resolved i don't know.
one way is that I've just decided to go out and be social anyway, i was seeing a girl briefly a while ago, she lives quite far (in another country) and wants to get together - she's really hot, and i've just been ignoring her because i don't have anything to say - these days i have no opinions, no real interests and i don't feel curious enough about anything to have a conversation. I also know that her interest is based on her thinking i'm something that i'm (currently) not. that doesn't matter - i'm just gonna go, if nothing to get a change of scene and to start, at least acting, like a person with a real life!
Off the back of a lot of posts I've read on this forum, I've also started looking into FEFT. It make alot more sense to me, personally, than EFT (which i did have some very temporary success with). I love the fact that its so simple and that you can 'mentally tap', and found myself doing this on the way to work in the morning, and on returning. I think this has contributed to my having abit more mental space and clarity to start handling all of these problems i think i have.
PMO does indeed seem like serious issue i have to tackle, I know that the one common factor for when i'm generally feeling sharper and more resiliant is when i haven't done it in like a week. i would love to eliminate it but how? it seems almost too ingrained in my life. Alchohol is also an energy killer, after drinking one night i sit in a mental haze for a good few days - but i find it really hard to get out of my head and be social without it!.
I've also noticed that social media (or my addiction to it), like youtube, fb, and twitter screw royally with my mental energy - its like how tv used to be for me, where i just get home and either on my computer or on my iphone i'm just clicking zombie like for hours, then before i know it the evening is over and any plans to do important things for organising my life/health or connecting with people is gone.
Anyway - that's day 4 I guess. The evolution continues.
/Darwin
Your task is not to seek for Love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
