Stage 1, Day 17
I'm a little bit frustrated and just want to skip over to Stage 2 is, where the good stuff is (undoubtedly).
I'm feeling much more solid, especially in looking in myself in reflections (sometimes unexpectedly, like in windows and not mirrors). I look much older, like a mature person.
After a day of co-op, I had been invited to a bar, but I just went to the pre-drink. There were some girls that I hadn't met before, who, thought semi-attractive, turned me off at their demeanor and certain attitudes.
Wondering about cutting out masturbations drastically; I don't look at porn anymore, though sometimes I catch some beach babe's picture in some meme website like cracked.com, but I still masturbate once every three or four days; I usually decide to when I get that feeling of "god damn look at that girls' booty" with many more women than usual. That might be sex transmutation in action, and I might be throwing it away far too soon. But I don't know how to tackle this.
tl;dr: No porn, but Mast. every 3-4 days; might double the time to 6-8 days.
I notice that I sometimes have social anxiety, and have considered myself an "introvert". Funny enough, I had no problem keeping up conversation in the pre-drink, then they turned my music on; my brain sort of shut off.
Watch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU
Funny enough, speaking of women, there's a married woman at my work place who's middle aged, and don't have that sort of body that I'm attracted to, but GOD DAMN, she's got something about her. Wanna fuck her silly every time I see her, and of course I won't because it's a co-op and I'd be in HUGE trouble if I did, so I'm simply saving that sort of energy for my work. She has more of an appeal for me than another woman there with a nice body and closer to my age. Strange, because that's not happened before.
My horizons have broadened on what's attractive (or simply beautiful) to me; black women? You bet! Slightly bigger women? Let's see what happens! My standards have always been high for looks, which I've never known why, but might be my looks (humble brag), but I like the way women look.
I also feel that I'm escaping this tractor beam pull, partially due to "A Course In Miracles", which I'm now exactly 123 days in; that feeling that I don't need to FEEL any particular way about anything, which is a very freeing contemplation. Made me wonder how fucked up we all are in general, given that I'm leaving behind what I considered to be normal..
I'm a little bit frustrated and just want to skip over to Stage 2 is, where the good stuff is (undoubtedly).
I'm feeling much more solid, especially in looking in myself in reflections (sometimes unexpectedly, like in windows and not mirrors). I look much older, like a mature person.
After a day of co-op, I had been invited to a bar, but I just went to the pre-drink. There were some girls that I hadn't met before, who, thought semi-attractive, turned me off at their demeanor and certain attitudes.
Wondering about cutting out masturbations drastically; I don't look at porn anymore, though sometimes I catch some beach babe's picture in some meme website like cracked.com, but I still masturbate once every three or four days; I usually decide to when I get that feeling of "god damn look at that girls' booty" with many more women than usual. That might be sex transmutation in action, and I might be throwing it away far too soon. But I don't know how to tackle this.
tl;dr: No porn, but Mast. every 3-4 days; might double the time to 6-8 days.
I notice that I sometimes have social anxiety, and have considered myself an "introvert". Funny enough, I had no problem keeping up conversation in the pre-drink, then they turned my music on; my brain sort of shut off.
Watch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU
Funny enough, speaking of women, there's a married woman at my work place who's middle aged, and don't have that sort of body that I'm attracted to, but GOD DAMN, she's got something about her. Wanna fuck her silly every time I see her, and of course I won't because it's a co-op and I'd be in HUGE trouble if I did, so I'm simply saving that sort of energy for my work. She has more of an appeal for me than another woman there with a nice body and closer to my age. Strange, because that's not happened before.
My horizons have broadened on what's attractive (or simply beautiful) to me; black women? You bet! Slightly bigger women? Let's see what happens! My standards have always been high for looks, which I've never known why, but might be my looks (humble brag), but I like the way women look.
I also feel that I'm escaping this tractor beam pull, partially due to "A Course In Miracles", which I'm now exactly 123 days in; that feeling that I don't need to FEEL any particular way about anything, which is a very freeing contemplation. Made me wonder how fucked up we all are in general, given that I'm leaving behind what I considered to be normal..
UMS v2 Journal (current) || Overcoming Fear 5.75G Journal
