09-22-2013, 02:04 AM
@Shannon... okay then lets continue with this
STAGE 3 DAY 23
When i said it was rough in previouse stages/weeks - now depresion/being angry is 10x stronger. I am literally shaking when something sets me of - and i unload everything that i have on other person.
Been fighitng with my friends/parents - people that i dont know
Also i am being attacked by random people who just meet me saying that i look "to proud" - "think that i am the shit" bla bla bla .... which is ridicilouse because i am mostly being silence/observing.
In last week i was attacked by 2 girls (diffrent times ) that they are better than me, and that i am "shit" ... It would be nice if i talked in company, but i didnt because i was in my mind - talking with myself about problems that i have. One of them was sitting next to me, and i didnt even look at her (belive me i am stuck in my head thsi days that i get shutdown from enviroment - i think if Pamela Anderson came and asked me to have sex with me i wouldnt notice her at that specific moments) - so she started attacking me - and i told her that there is no point of attacking me, because i am quite in my place not disturbing anyone - and then she started aggain ( she got notice ) - i literally demolished her mentally.
There was no reason for being rude to me ( because i didnt give her my time, what she is HB9 and i have to talk with her and droll over her because she is hot like any other guy ?) - so after 5 sentences everyone was shut. And i could see in her eyes that she was very upset.
She was saying i am a Jerk to her best friend ( even her best friend took my side which was funny ) - i juts shut down again and went to some other place, again thinking about something else .
That after 15 minutes i saw that look in her eyes (You didnt bow down because i am hot, on the other side u showed me where my place is when i am rude - take me please and have sex with me)
Because i didnt even care about that ( imagine bringing her in my life with sex, then i would have to fight with some drama ever fricking day ) - i said "see ya guys" and she said "See ya jerk"
So i turned and said "Some other time we will fix that frustration you have with rough sex" and left.
Anyways - i got out and was walking to my car - and saw girl walking by, i have no idea but i looked at her and our eyes met, she was looking at me - and gave me a smile while she was passing by. So i stoped her and asked her for her name. had conversation for 2-5 minutes, and said i need to go - she literally threw her number at me. This was great ego boost, after that girl screaming at me on party.
When it comes to dreams, in last 6 days i had 6 - 5 of them is having sex with diffrent woman (some of them i know, others dont ) - and i have no idea how my brain is choosing this girls - but mostly it considers chaeting on their boyfriends with me ( akwarrrrrdddd ).
There is so much sexual energy in that dreams that i wake up shaking from adrenalin.
Beside this, i am getting inside myself a lot - ( i mentioned this ) - sometimes it scares me that i am so shutdown and dont notice loud enviroment.
Yesterday i was walking in crowded space, and some music was playing there was around 50.000 people there - so very noise. At one moment i got lost , didnt hear music, people, bumping in people - and when i came back it was a like a splash of water "where the hell was i?"
This sometimes scares me, i never had this strong expiriences - mostly i like to observe whats happening around me - not anymore - i just stare at one dot and move eyes around.
Diabetes is under much better control.
Working out 3-4 times a week- really strong workouts.
I am not going out that much anymore.
And I am having feeling that everyone is hating me - literally hates me. But every time i get out i see its diffrent, i dont have urge to go out - sometimes i am on weekends at home enjoying myself. Which is really strange for me.
When i am talking to people - i am very short and precise - and what is making me go crazy when people are to insecure and start talking to much, just to confuse you with some random topics -in argument. I literally get on fire then, and say some really mean stuff.
I am much slower, rational, dont get emotional at all ( finally - meditation is helping with this a lot)
Thats it ... wanna see whats gonna happen in next weeks.
STAGE 3 DAY 23
When i said it was rough in previouse stages/weeks - now depresion/being angry is 10x stronger. I am literally shaking when something sets me of - and i unload everything that i have on other person.
Been fighitng with my friends/parents - people that i dont know
Also i am being attacked by random people who just meet me saying that i look "to proud" - "think that i am the shit" bla bla bla .... which is ridicilouse because i am mostly being silence/observing.
In last week i was attacked by 2 girls (diffrent times ) that they are better than me, and that i am "shit" ... It would be nice if i talked in company, but i didnt because i was in my mind - talking with myself about problems that i have. One of them was sitting next to me, and i didnt even look at her (belive me i am stuck in my head thsi days that i get shutdown from enviroment - i think if Pamela Anderson came and asked me to have sex with me i wouldnt notice her at that specific moments) - so she started attacking me - and i told her that there is no point of attacking me, because i am quite in my place not disturbing anyone - and then she started aggain ( she got notice ) - i literally demolished her mentally.
There was no reason for being rude to me ( because i didnt give her my time, what she is HB9 and i have to talk with her and droll over her because she is hot like any other guy ?) - so after 5 sentences everyone was shut. And i could see in her eyes that she was very upset.
She was saying i am a Jerk to her best friend ( even her best friend took my side which was funny ) - i juts shut down again and went to some other place, again thinking about something else .
That after 15 minutes i saw that look in her eyes (You didnt bow down because i am hot, on the other side u showed me where my place is when i am rude - take me please and have sex with me)
Because i didnt even care about that ( imagine bringing her in my life with sex, then i would have to fight with some drama ever fricking day ) - i said "see ya guys" and she said "See ya jerk"
So i turned and said "Some other time we will fix that frustration you have with rough sex" and left.
Anyways - i got out and was walking to my car - and saw girl walking by, i have no idea but i looked at her and our eyes met, she was looking at me - and gave me a smile while she was passing by. So i stoped her and asked her for her name. had conversation for 2-5 minutes, and said i need to go - she literally threw her number at me. This was great ego boost, after that girl screaming at me on party.
When it comes to dreams, in last 6 days i had 6 - 5 of them is having sex with diffrent woman (some of them i know, others dont ) - and i have no idea how my brain is choosing this girls - but mostly it considers chaeting on their boyfriends with me ( akwarrrrrdddd ).
There is so much sexual energy in that dreams that i wake up shaking from adrenalin.
Beside this, i am getting inside myself a lot - ( i mentioned this ) - sometimes it scares me that i am so shutdown and dont notice loud enviroment.
Yesterday i was walking in crowded space, and some music was playing there was around 50.000 people there - so very noise. At one moment i got lost , didnt hear music, people, bumping in people - and when i came back it was a like a splash of water "where the hell was i?"
This sometimes scares me, i never had this strong expiriences - mostly i like to observe whats happening around me - not anymore - i just stare at one dot and move eyes around.
Diabetes is under much better control.
Working out 3-4 times a week- really strong workouts.
I am not going out that much anymore.
And I am having feeling that everyone is hating me - literally hates me. But every time i get out i see its diffrent, i dont have urge to go out - sometimes i am on weekends at home enjoying myself. Which is really strange for me.
When i am talking to people - i am very short and precise - and what is making me go crazy when people are to insecure and start talking to much, just to confuse you with some random topics -in argument. I literally get on fire then, and say some really mean stuff.
I am much slower, rational, dont get emotional at all ( finally - meditation is helping with this a lot)
Thats it ... wanna see whats gonna happen in next weeks.
