09-15-2013, 01:41 PM
Moving onto stage 5 tonight. Hoping things might smooth out a bit.
I know some guys on here want to get better with women and stuff. But for me that was never a huge priority. Maybe it's because I feel like even if I did have relationships with women they'd fall apart because I'm not exactly together. Then there's one night stands, but I'm not that kind of guy so that's out of the question too.
So what do I want? I guess that's an important question that needs answering and I'm not sure if I can answer it at the moment. I like to think I've got this internal compass, but lately all the negativity in my life is like being in an electromagnetic field which makes the compass go haywire. It's making it difficult not to doubt every single thing I do.
I think I'm still battling with perfectionism a lot. When it comes to music if I don't work on it I feel guilty, like I'll never be good enough. But it's that all or nothing mentality showing up. Yeah I'd like to be good, but sometimes I feel like that's where my self esteem lies in my work. And obviously that can't be good. It's one thing to feel accomplished about something and it's another to feel like you need it in your life to feel good about yourself. So I'm putting it aside for however long it takes for the spark to grow again and in the meantime I'm not gonna kick myself for it. I'd rather not have music become another chore in my life that needs to be taken care of.
Most of all I'm just trying not to get ahead of myself. I don't want to get pushed into something out of fear of doing the wrong thing. Admittedly to everyone on the outside it probably looks like I'm an underachiever who is too lazy to pursue higher education or a career. But what can I say? I've got my battles and everyone else has theirs. I'm just doing what I can. Maybe I have to completely rip this current career path out of my mind and throw it in the trash. Just open myself up to other things.
My mind has a tendency to zero in on ideas or plans and blocks out other stuff. It's good at times and at others it kind of just gives me tunnel vision and blinds me to other possibilities.
I know some guys on here want to get better with women and stuff. But for me that was never a huge priority. Maybe it's because I feel like even if I did have relationships with women they'd fall apart because I'm not exactly together. Then there's one night stands, but I'm not that kind of guy so that's out of the question too.
So what do I want? I guess that's an important question that needs answering and I'm not sure if I can answer it at the moment. I like to think I've got this internal compass, but lately all the negativity in my life is like being in an electromagnetic field which makes the compass go haywire. It's making it difficult not to doubt every single thing I do.
I think I'm still battling with perfectionism a lot. When it comes to music if I don't work on it I feel guilty, like I'll never be good enough. But it's that all or nothing mentality showing up. Yeah I'd like to be good, but sometimes I feel like that's where my self esteem lies in my work. And obviously that can't be good. It's one thing to feel accomplished about something and it's another to feel like you need it in your life to feel good about yourself. So I'm putting it aside for however long it takes for the spark to grow again and in the meantime I'm not gonna kick myself for it. I'd rather not have music become another chore in my life that needs to be taken care of.
Most of all I'm just trying not to get ahead of myself. I don't want to get pushed into something out of fear of doing the wrong thing. Admittedly to everyone on the outside it probably looks like I'm an underachiever who is too lazy to pursue higher education or a career. But what can I say? I've got my battles and everyone else has theirs. I'm just doing what I can. Maybe I have to completely rip this current career path out of my mind and throw it in the trash. Just open myself up to other things.
My mind has a tendency to zero in on ideas or plans and blocks out other stuff. It's good at times and at others it kind of just gives me tunnel vision and blinds me to other possibilities.
