09-05-2013, 06:07 PM
Been a while since I've posted. A lot has been on my mind. These past few days have been rough for me. I was fortunate enough to keep working at my internship for another 90 days. So at least for now I'm not too concerned about money. But I am concerned about what I'm doing with my life. I've always been concerned about it. Probably since 16. When kids my age were out partying or enjoying life, I was just there. Alive but not really living. I feel like someone just took a spoon and gouged out the part of my brain that lets me feel. Things have just never felt right for me no matter what I do.
Maybe that's an exaggeration, hell it probably is. But I never really know how to properly gauge how I'm feeling. I have nothing to compare it to. I need things to get better. I just don't know how.
But maybe I do. Maybe I've been pushing too much. Maybe I just need to start forgiving myself and showing some compassion for myself first. Maybe I still hate myself for all the issues I face. Maybe.
I guess I'm just as lost as ever and I'm tired of pushing things away. It's those silent moments during the day with a minute to yourself when you realize it's still there. Just you don't notice it when you're busy. But you can't be busy all the time.
Maybe that's an exaggeration, hell it probably is. But I never really know how to properly gauge how I'm feeling. I have nothing to compare it to. I need things to get better. I just don't know how.
But maybe I do. Maybe I've been pushing too much. Maybe I just need to start forgiving myself and showing some compassion for myself first. Maybe I still hate myself for all the issues I face. Maybe.
I guess I'm just as lost as ever and I'm tired of pushing things away. It's those silent moments during the day with a minute to yourself when you realize it's still there. Just you don't notice it when you're busy. But you can't be busy all the time.
