08-20-2013, 06:54 PM
I just want to scream right now. Today my head was going crazy. My OCD was just out of control. And combined with the depression and anxiety, I just laid in my bed and couldn't move when I got home. It's like I was hypersensitive to everything, my brain just felt burned out and the only thing that gave me relief was staring up at my ceiling. So yeah, today was just really brutal for me.
But it eventually subsides as long as I rest enough. And what I realized is, my fear is still holding me in place and sabotaging me whenever it can. Lately it's pissing me off a great deal. Obvious fear sucks, but at least you can recognize it for what it is. The problem is when fear becomes more subtle, slowly manipulating your belief system to implant the idea that change isn't possible or something is out of your control.
That's what's been happening to me. My OCD is a result of a need for control, and that control stems from fear. That fear has been holding me back in life which is causing the depression. I need to break away from the fear, but the OCD tells me it's a bad thing and I engage in my overly obsessional thinking. I have to note that it's not your typical wash your hands OCD. This is known as purely obsessional. My thoughts take the place of the rituals, which makes it harder to keep on top of. So I may think that thinking obsessively about something could help me, but in reality I'm just engaging in a ritual to relieve the anxiety. It's all very complex and ridiculous. I'm currently stopping myself from scrolling to the top of this post to reread this. That's another one of my bad habits, I reread and recheck things, I need to get them perfect to the point where a 2 minute post might take more like 20 minutes.
Anyway. What I realized is, my previous thoughts on depression and OCD were just a way for the fear to stay in place. Modern therapy helps, but they even state that they never "cure", only maintain. So they leave people with this sense of being stuck with these behaviors and patterns for the rest of their lives. All my efforts to remove any negative beliefs that contribute to my OCD have been met with fear when dealt with on a conscious level. I procrastinate, get sleepy, my mind gets fuzzy, I feel like I'm lying to myself, etc. I don't think it's possible for me to make any change on the conscious level. My fear is like a bouncer, any and all attempts are just knocked on their ass. The more I push, the more the fear responds and as a consequence my OCD grows stronger too.
I can't tell you the amount of times my mind told me it would be a good idea to stop the subliminals, but I never listened. The way my mind has been responding to the fear, making me believe it's impossible to overcome any of this. It's not the truth, but it's making me believe it is the truth. I'm just caught in limbo. This is what some people don't get when it comes to change. Your subconscious is so powerful, if it has learned that this is what keeps me safe then that's what it's going to carry out 100% of the time full force.
I really hate this. I hate how vague and abstract some of my own views on life have become and how out of control my thoughts are. So I apologize to everyone who has given me advice here and it seemed like I squashed it with negativity. Fear has given me Stockholm syndrome. I was and still am stuck with delusional thinking, unable to see past it at times.
But it eventually subsides as long as I rest enough. And what I realized is, my fear is still holding me in place and sabotaging me whenever it can. Lately it's pissing me off a great deal. Obvious fear sucks, but at least you can recognize it for what it is. The problem is when fear becomes more subtle, slowly manipulating your belief system to implant the idea that change isn't possible or something is out of your control.
That's what's been happening to me. My OCD is a result of a need for control, and that control stems from fear. That fear has been holding me back in life which is causing the depression. I need to break away from the fear, but the OCD tells me it's a bad thing and I engage in my overly obsessional thinking. I have to note that it's not your typical wash your hands OCD. This is known as purely obsessional. My thoughts take the place of the rituals, which makes it harder to keep on top of. So I may think that thinking obsessively about something could help me, but in reality I'm just engaging in a ritual to relieve the anxiety. It's all very complex and ridiculous. I'm currently stopping myself from scrolling to the top of this post to reread this. That's another one of my bad habits, I reread and recheck things, I need to get them perfect to the point where a 2 minute post might take more like 20 minutes.
Anyway. What I realized is, my previous thoughts on depression and OCD were just a way for the fear to stay in place. Modern therapy helps, but they even state that they never "cure", only maintain. So they leave people with this sense of being stuck with these behaviors and patterns for the rest of their lives. All my efforts to remove any negative beliefs that contribute to my OCD have been met with fear when dealt with on a conscious level. I procrastinate, get sleepy, my mind gets fuzzy, I feel like I'm lying to myself, etc. I don't think it's possible for me to make any change on the conscious level. My fear is like a bouncer, any and all attempts are just knocked on their ass. The more I push, the more the fear responds and as a consequence my OCD grows stronger too.
I can't tell you the amount of times my mind told me it would be a good idea to stop the subliminals, but I never listened. The way my mind has been responding to the fear, making me believe it's impossible to overcome any of this. It's not the truth, but it's making me believe it is the truth. I'm just caught in limbo. This is what some people don't get when it comes to change. Your subconscious is so powerful, if it has learned that this is what keeps me safe then that's what it's going to carry out 100% of the time full force.
I really hate this. I hate how vague and abstract some of my own views on life have become and how out of control my thoughts are. So I apologize to everyone who has given me advice here and it seemed like I squashed it with negativity. Fear has given me Stockholm syndrome. I was and still am stuck with delusional thinking, unable to see past it at times.
