07-14-2013, 05:58 AM
New insight, maybe it came to me over night, but here it goes. A couple of days ago I was contemplating why I wanted to run through alpha. I think I'm always looking to better myself. In a country where people are always saying "you're good enough" I feel like I'm in the wrong for wanting to keep pushing myself. Interestingly enough I had a little bit of guilt about it all. I guess I was thinking about why I was running through this from the negative perspective too much. Sure I've got some issues I need to work out, but it's more than that. I'm excited to keep growing. And maybe somewhere along the line I thought that striving to be better meant that I was insecure.
The other thing is, I feel drawn to this. I can't describe it that well, but it's my path. Deep down in my gut I know this is the right thing to do. I kept assuming that my reluctance to stop using the sub was due to dependence, but I think it was actually my gut telling me I was straying from the correct path when I thought of quitting. I think maybe I've moved past that resistance, I'm not sure.
I think the perfectionism has lessened. I'm feeling a lot better with where I am, but at the same time I feel good about my continual growth.
I've still yet to determine if it's a gradual change with these subs and I realize it later or I keep pushing and pushing until resistance breaks and all the insights come flooding in. Sometimes I swear I go to sleep one way and wake up another.
The other thing is, I feel drawn to this. I can't describe it that well, but it's my path. Deep down in my gut I know this is the right thing to do. I kept assuming that my reluctance to stop using the sub was due to dependence, but I think it was actually my gut telling me I was straying from the correct path when I thought of quitting. I think maybe I've moved past that resistance, I'm not sure.
I think the perfectionism has lessened. I'm feeling a lot better with where I am, but at the same time I feel good about my continual growth.
I've still yet to determine if it's a gradual change with these subs and I realize it later or I keep pushing and pushing until resistance breaks and all the insights come flooding in. Sometimes I swear I go to sleep one way and wake up another.
