06-09-2013, 06:44 AM
So I've been asking myself what's preventing myself from being happy? Is it fear? Is it an obsession with holding onto the negative? Maybe it's just I'm not where I want to be yet. Honestly it's probably still fear. I've beaten a lot of fear, I've pushed past it and done things I didn't think I could do. But despite most the external things being accomplished, I'm still filled with it. I don't want to say I'm agoraphobic, it's not that severe. But I have a strong aversion to going out into the world unless I absolutely have to. And most people think if you keep going out more you get used to it or overcome it. That hasn't been the case for me. Sure I got used to doing it, I got better at it, but becoming comfortable with it? Not yet. And because it's not disabling, it becomes this thing that just gnaws at me all the time, 24/7. No wonder I'm depressed a lot of the time.
I guess that's it. It's still the fear. Maybe it's just been hard to come to terms with that. I held onto the idea of not knowing where it comes from because I guess it's easier to feel like things are out of your control. I mean you tell anyone that you're afraid of something and they tell you to face it. But it's not one specific thing, it's just this huge blanket of fear that just smothers my life. Maybe that's what I've been ashamed of over the years. Just having this fear and not being like everyone else.
So I guess from today forward I'm gonna try to be more honest with why I feel a certain way. Acknowledging that I've got all this fear honestly makes me feel weak. I feel weak for not being able to overcome this. And it's bigger than I thought, but at least I've got a focus now on why I feel a certain way instead of being angry and frustrated for no reason.
I guess that's it. It's still the fear. Maybe it's just been hard to come to terms with that. I held onto the idea of not knowing where it comes from because I guess it's easier to feel like things are out of your control. I mean you tell anyone that you're afraid of something and they tell you to face it. But it's not one specific thing, it's just this huge blanket of fear that just smothers my life. Maybe that's what I've been ashamed of over the years. Just having this fear and not being like everyone else.
So I guess from today forward I'm gonna try to be more honest with why I feel a certain way. Acknowledging that I've got all this fear honestly makes me feel weak. I feel weak for not being able to overcome this. And it's bigger than I thought, but at least I've got a focus now on why I feel a certain way instead of being angry and frustrated for no reason.
