05-17-2013, 02:36 PM
Confession time. I've been avoiding my journal. I just feel incredibly withdrawn right now. I feel like I should be writing more about how I feel, but at the same time I'm really critical of what gets written down. I've always been like that though. Anytime I feel something negative I'm more likely to hide it than openly express it.
Something that is bothering me is it's sunny and bright where I live. The trees are green, everything looks alive and I just don't feel connected to it. I feel like I'm kind of in a haze. Everything has actually kind of dulled out for me.
I know stage 1 is cleaning out the crap in my mind. But I'm still not sure how much is the sub affecting my mental state vs something preexisting. I probably sound like a broken record here, but I'm trying to get a handle on what exactly is up with me. I still have to see a doctor to get some blood work done.
And that word depressed. I hate saying it, but it's the only thing I feel can accurately describe how I feel. And what I feel is this frustration of trying to understand why things are the way they are. I can't really try to not be depressed, I've done that in the past and it's just like fighting an uphill battle. I can make an effort to not let myself get any worse and to remember to do things I enjoy. But it's just not as easy as that.
Hopefully I have some cathartic moment soon from all the uprooting of stage 1. A lot of it just feels like negative emotion attached to nothing. And when it's just floating there with no real connections, it makes it difficult to approach it from a solvable angle. I honestly just have to say I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm trying to just take each day as it comes, thinking any further than that just makes me feel worse.
Something that is bothering me is it's sunny and bright where I live. The trees are green, everything looks alive and I just don't feel connected to it. I feel like I'm kind of in a haze. Everything has actually kind of dulled out for me.
I know stage 1 is cleaning out the crap in my mind. But I'm still not sure how much is the sub affecting my mental state vs something preexisting. I probably sound like a broken record here, but I'm trying to get a handle on what exactly is up with me. I still have to see a doctor to get some blood work done.
And that word depressed. I hate saying it, but it's the only thing I feel can accurately describe how I feel. And what I feel is this frustration of trying to understand why things are the way they are. I can't really try to not be depressed, I've done that in the past and it's just like fighting an uphill battle. I can make an effort to not let myself get any worse and to remember to do things I enjoy. But it's just not as easy as that.
Hopefully I have some cathartic moment soon from all the uprooting of stage 1. A lot of it just feels like negative emotion attached to nothing. And when it's just floating there with no real connections, it makes it difficult to approach it from a solvable angle. I honestly just have to say I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm trying to just take each day as it comes, thinking any further than that just makes me feel worse.
