Mat, last night I went to a birthday party. This party was for a friend of mine, one of my models, who is shall we say very highly sought after by men. She and I are just friends. I choose that path because it means she respects me, unlike the herd who is always nipping at her heels for attention and sex.
I went to this birthday party and got there almost fully 2 hours late because I had to attend my grandfather's birthday party first, and at 88, he's apparently starting to forget things - such as, "I have to attend another birthday party tonight, Grandpa, so we can't go shopping on the way home from your birthday dinner." Said 5 minutes before he asked me to stop at Wal Mart after we spend 2 hours more than I had out of respect for the fact that it's his birthday and he's the patriarch of my family.
A year ago, going to Vanessa's birthday party was nerve wracking for me, because I didn't know many people there. She has a lot of friends who run in different circles than I do. The only way I made it through last time was to have my camera in my hand, because I didn't know how else to deal with my social anxiety back then.
Being late has always made things much worse. So scary, in fact, that I usually would find or invent any excuse not to go. It was sheer terror for me. Last night, I had it cross my mind like a flash in a pan that maybe I shouldn't go because I was late. But it was just that: a flash in the pan thought, and it didn't go any further than that. I went.
And I walked in, empty handed, because I knew she'd be drunk off her ass by the time I walked in, and I knew that just my being there at her party meant more to her than the tea I bought her as a gift. I left the tea in the car, and I'll probably deliver than in a couple days, when she's no longer hung over.
I also walked in knowing I would be the only person in the entire bar who wasn't drinking and/or stoned. I knew I was dressed differently than everyone else. I knew I would stand out like a frog on a stove top. I knew I wouldn't really have anything in common with any of her other friends, and not much to talk about with them. But I went anyway.
And I stayed from the time I got there until the bar closed, at which time she wanted me to go to the after party, where I stayed another hour, until I was being beset on all sides by allergens. Then I left.
Through it all, I was not just calm, but I was enjoying myself. I didn't feel the need or desire to drink, and nobody tried to push me into drinking, as I had expected. Instead, they all came to talk to me, every last one, over the course of the night. And you know what? They loved me. I had all the guys qualifying themselves to me, some of them all night long... one or two so much so that I wanted to just throw them in the bonfire and be done with it. And I had birthday girl giving me compliments and treating me with respect, and the other women present were all giving indicators of interest through the evening - even, to my huge surprise, most of the lesbians.
When I cared to be, I was the center of attention - naturally, shy of birthday girl who was damned near having a lesbian 69 on the bar most of the night.
And there was no judgement of the fact that I didn't drink, or smoke, or get stoned. People were in fact largely intimidated by me. Me, who was soft spoken and let people come to me all night to talk. Why would they be intimidated? Because my very presence was so powerful, so calm, so centered, steady and strong that they didn't know what to make of me. They'd never encountered anyone so in control and so powerfully present before. I had as good a time or better than anyone else there, without alcohol, cigarettes or pot. That contrast in and of itself was enough to make some of them intimidated, I think.
There was a guy there who reminded me a lot of myself just a few years ago. Out of place, inexperienced socially, no idea how to socialize comfortably, too drunk, annoying everyone without even knowing it (and certainly not purposefully trying to) and completely clueless. So socially anxious that even though he needed alcohol and weed to be able to socialize, I knew what he was going through, and I had to hand it to him for having the courage through all that to even show up.
That was me at one time. Hell, even one year ago I needed a camera in my hand to feel like I could hide behind.
Not last night. By the end of the night, everyone loved me, and everyone was glad I had come and wishing I would stay longer. And, I had a good time, and spent a total of... $3.50. Including the bartender's tip. Damned expensive glass of coke, that was.
I tell you this story, Mat, because you are walking in my footsteps, and because I want to show you what is in store for you. Keep pushing. Keep walking in my footsteps. Some day in the not too distant future, you'll be saying these same things to someone else, who is walking in your own footsteps.
I went to this birthday party and got there almost fully 2 hours late because I had to attend my grandfather's birthday party first, and at 88, he's apparently starting to forget things - such as, "I have to attend another birthday party tonight, Grandpa, so we can't go shopping on the way home from your birthday dinner." Said 5 minutes before he asked me to stop at Wal Mart after we spend 2 hours more than I had out of respect for the fact that it's his birthday and he's the patriarch of my family.
A year ago, going to Vanessa's birthday party was nerve wracking for me, because I didn't know many people there. She has a lot of friends who run in different circles than I do. The only way I made it through last time was to have my camera in my hand, because I didn't know how else to deal with my social anxiety back then.
Being late has always made things much worse. So scary, in fact, that I usually would find or invent any excuse not to go. It was sheer terror for me. Last night, I had it cross my mind like a flash in a pan that maybe I shouldn't go because I was late. But it was just that: a flash in the pan thought, and it didn't go any further than that. I went.
And I walked in, empty handed, because I knew she'd be drunk off her ass by the time I walked in, and I knew that just my being there at her party meant more to her than the tea I bought her as a gift. I left the tea in the car, and I'll probably deliver than in a couple days, when she's no longer hung over.
I also walked in knowing I would be the only person in the entire bar who wasn't drinking and/or stoned. I knew I was dressed differently than everyone else. I knew I would stand out like a frog on a stove top. I knew I wouldn't really have anything in common with any of her other friends, and not much to talk about with them. But I went anyway.
And I stayed from the time I got there until the bar closed, at which time she wanted me to go to the after party, where I stayed another hour, until I was being beset on all sides by allergens. Then I left.
Through it all, I was not just calm, but I was enjoying myself. I didn't feel the need or desire to drink, and nobody tried to push me into drinking, as I had expected. Instead, they all came to talk to me, every last one, over the course of the night. And you know what? They loved me. I had all the guys qualifying themselves to me, some of them all night long... one or two so much so that I wanted to just throw them in the bonfire and be done with it. And I had birthday girl giving me compliments and treating me with respect, and the other women present were all giving indicators of interest through the evening - even, to my huge surprise, most of the lesbians.
When I cared to be, I was the center of attention - naturally, shy of birthday girl who was damned near having a lesbian 69 on the bar most of the night.
And there was no judgement of the fact that I didn't drink, or smoke, or get stoned. People were in fact largely intimidated by me. Me, who was soft spoken and let people come to me all night to talk. Why would they be intimidated? Because my very presence was so powerful, so calm, so centered, steady and strong that they didn't know what to make of me. They'd never encountered anyone so in control and so powerfully present before. I had as good a time or better than anyone else there, without alcohol, cigarettes or pot. That contrast in and of itself was enough to make some of them intimidated, I think.
There was a guy there who reminded me a lot of myself just a few years ago. Out of place, inexperienced socially, no idea how to socialize comfortably, too drunk, annoying everyone without even knowing it (and certainly not purposefully trying to) and completely clueless. So socially anxious that even though he needed alcohol and weed to be able to socialize, I knew what he was going through, and I had to hand it to him for having the courage through all that to even show up.
That was me at one time. Hell, even one year ago I needed a camera in my hand to feel like I could hide behind.
Not last night. By the end of the night, everyone loved me, and everyone was glad I had come and wishing I would stay longer. And, I had a good time, and spent a total of... $3.50. Including the bartender's tip. Damned expensive glass of coke, that was.
I tell you this story, Mat, because you are walking in my footsteps, and because I want to show you what is in store for you. Keep pushing. Keep walking in my footsteps. Some day in the not too distant future, you'll be saying these same things to someone else, who is walking in your own footsteps.
Subliminal Audio Specialist & Administrator
The scientist has a question to find an answer for. The pseudo-scientist has an answer to find a question for. ~ "Failure is the path of least persistence." - Chinese Fortune Cookie ~ Logic left. Emotion right. But thinking, straight ahead. ~ Sperate supra omnia in valorem. (The value of trust is above all else.) ~ Meowsomeness!
The scientist has a question to find an answer for. The pseudo-scientist has an answer to find a question for. ~ "Failure is the path of least persistence." - Chinese Fortune Cookie ~ Logic left. Emotion right. But thinking, straight ahead. ~ Sperate supra omnia in valorem. (The value of trust is above all else.) ~ Meowsomeness!
