01-16-2013, 08:30 PM
I guess today was a day for an epiphany. Sometimes the truth sucks, but you have to deal with it anyway. Everything in life is a challenge at times, but you just keep going. I'd rather have the belief that everything is easy and effortless, but unfortunately that hasn't been my experience. Maybe if Shannon created some kind of subliminal that encouraged that mindset I'd be all good haha.
Anyway I've been struggling with depression for a while now. I've been through phases of not knowing, to maybe understanding, to thinking it was chemical, and back to having no idea what I should do. Through that time of questioning I never felt like I had the right answer. Ok so I say I have depression, it has to originate from somewhere. Depression doesn't just exist for no reason and I don't think anti-depressants do a very good job of solving that. So now I contemplate the why behind the depression. Depression turned out to be a symptom of not being able to live the life I want to live. Which has plagued me since I was a teenager. And I'm sure millions of other people have depression because of their life situation and not a chemical imbalance. But I have sympathy for them and I refuse to tell them to "snap out of it" because I know how hard it can be. But it's important that people continue to address root issues instead of covering up.
Also depression was a kind of a defense mechanism. My biggest issue is social anxiety. By holding onto depression I was avoiding anxiety provoking situations, but avoidance doesn't solve anything. So instead of hiding under the depression as an excuse, I decided to acknowledge it, but realize it wasn't permanent and uncontrollable. This way I could start addressing the real problems instead of seeing depression as this one big scapegoat.
It's hard not to feel like you are lower than everyone when something as simple as interacting with another person causes anxiety. And that just leads to a lot of low self esteem. I think I've touched upon the guilt, fear, and shame cycle. I'm still working everything out, but at least now I'm not blaming it on something and I'm taking responsibility for my own actions more.
A lot of the challenges I face are very hard to push past with sheer willpower. And I'm trying to take baby steps. But today marks a day where I refuse to keep avoiding my problems and blaming it all on depression. It was a safe haven for me, but from now on I will strive to push my comfort zone and realize as I do that more and more the depression will lift. Depression has a root cause, and I'm aiming to fix it.
Anyway I've been struggling with depression for a while now. I've been through phases of not knowing, to maybe understanding, to thinking it was chemical, and back to having no idea what I should do. Through that time of questioning I never felt like I had the right answer. Ok so I say I have depression, it has to originate from somewhere. Depression doesn't just exist for no reason and I don't think anti-depressants do a very good job of solving that. So now I contemplate the why behind the depression. Depression turned out to be a symptom of not being able to live the life I want to live. Which has plagued me since I was a teenager. And I'm sure millions of other people have depression because of their life situation and not a chemical imbalance. But I have sympathy for them and I refuse to tell them to "snap out of it" because I know how hard it can be. But it's important that people continue to address root issues instead of covering up.
Also depression was a kind of a defense mechanism. My biggest issue is social anxiety. By holding onto depression I was avoiding anxiety provoking situations, but avoidance doesn't solve anything. So instead of hiding under the depression as an excuse, I decided to acknowledge it, but realize it wasn't permanent and uncontrollable. This way I could start addressing the real problems instead of seeing depression as this one big scapegoat.
It's hard not to feel like you are lower than everyone when something as simple as interacting with another person causes anxiety. And that just leads to a lot of low self esteem. I think I've touched upon the guilt, fear, and shame cycle. I'm still working everything out, but at least now I'm not blaming it on something and I'm taking responsibility for my own actions more.
A lot of the challenges I face are very hard to push past with sheer willpower. And I'm trying to take baby steps. But today marks a day where I refuse to keep avoiding my problems and blaming it all on depression. It was a safe haven for me, but from now on I will strive to push my comfort zone and realize as I do that more and more the depression will lift. Depression has a root cause, and I'm aiming to fix it.
