12-29-2012, 08:43 AM
Another huge issue came up. Felt a sort of affection for my ex, so started texting her very casually. Next thing I know we're on the phone getting very intimate, etc. Lots of fears came up. I was very open with her, which I don't regret, because I truly love her.
But I love her, and also have the most incredible anger at her... I can't be with her because being with her constantly brings up all of the most negative darkest parts of myself. I can't even get anything done, it's like an energetic warfare. I have too many goals right now to be dealing with all of these emotions. It drags me away from my purpose because the emotions are so heavy. And I don't think a relationship should be that way.
THe question is where is the line? When are the emotions such that they can be sublimated/released and the relationship improved... and when are the emotions just going to be there no matter what due to some fundamental friction between the two people? I always have this notion that i have to fix myself.. that I shouldn't be getting upset about this.. Our relationship would be better if I acted this way instead. This is not fair to myself, to blame myself all the time. It makes me sink down into Guilt and shame. Perhaps the relationship is just going to be on that vibration no matter what I do.
I really do believe she is an incredibly special girl, and the reason I haven't met any other girls on alpha is because it seems shallow and fruitless when compared to a relationship with such a unique and powerful resonance. But perhaps what I need to do is date other girls to get a wider perspective, as I am still young. I even told her this, and she understands completely (at a rational level, perhaps not emotional).
I think she is a soulmate (i guess let's not get into that unless we move to the religion thread). I remember Shannon posting something about his experiences with an ex that was difficult to leave, it'd be helpful if you chimed in. We have been split for a year, but it still lingers on just the same, and I feel the same about her as I always have (Deep love mixed with lots of petty anger and hurt) . Out of everything in my life, this is probably the situation in which I'm the least alpha. Last night there was a marked change though. I was quite matter of fact, and she even said "what's wrong with you?" which I took as a positive sign. THe program is working, but I'm only 20 days in and it can only do so much on what is probably the biggest difficulty for me (of the last 2 years).
Anyway it'd be great to hear your experiences guys ---
But I love her, and also have the most incredible anger at her... I can't be with her because being with her constantly brings up all of the most negative darkest parts of myself. I can't even get anything done, it's like an energetic warfare. I have too many goals right now to be dealing with all of these emotions. It drags me away from my purpose because the emotions are so heavy. And I don't think a relationship should be that way.
THe question is where is the line? When are the emotions such that they can be sublimated/released and the relationship improved... and when are the emotions just going to be there no matter what due to some fundamental friction between the two people? I always have this notion that i have to fix myself.. that I shouldn't be getting upset about this.. Our relationship would be better if I acted this way instead. This is not fair to myself, to blame myself all the time. It makes me sink down into Guilt and shame. Perhaps the relationship is just going to be on that vibration no matter what I do.
I really do believe she is an incredibly special girl, and the reason I haven't met any other girls on alpha is because it seems shallow and fruitless when compared to a relationship with such a unique and powerful resonance. But perhaps what I need to do is date other girls to get a wider perspective, as I am still young. I even told her this, and she understands completely (at a rational level, perhaps not emotional).
I think she is a soulmate (i guess let's not get into that unless we move to the religion thread). I remember Shannon posting something about his experiences with an ex that was difficult to leave, it'd be helpful if you chimed in. We have been split for a year, but it still lingers on just the same, and I feel the same about her as I always have (Deep love mixed with lots of petty anger and hurt) . Out of everything in my life, this is probably the situation in which I'm the least alpha. Last night there was a marked change though. I was quite matter of fact, and she even said "what's wrong with you?" which I took as a positive sign. THe program is working, but I'm only 20 days in and it can only do so much on what is probably the biggest difficulty for me (of the last 2 years).
Anyway it'd be great to hear your experiences guys ---
