12-28-2012, 06:25 AM
It's funny, I just read ben's journal about phyiscal alpha...
The same thing came up for me last night, in a way different way. I was at a family party, and I got on a scale, which I haven't done in a good year or so. I weigh 115 pounds and I am 5'7". I have weighed the same since 8th grade.. I eat a lot of food, and I now do bodyweight exercises (Convict Conditioning). I can't afford the time/money to go to a gym.
This brought up a huge insecurity, remembering getting bullied a bit in high school.. After reliving these memories, I had a desire once again to build mass... But building mass goes against my values, because with my build I would basically have to eat 4000-5000 calories a day to really build, and that is incredibly unhealthy and counterproductive to meditation/qigong. My health is more important than being big. So the desire to get bigger vs. the desire to progress spiritually are at odds, and the spirituality will definitely win. However, I have decided to ramp up the intensity of my exercises to maximize gains... Found a great workout, that should be at a new level. I'll be eating well, a lot of protein, etc. But there is only so much I can realistically do that doesn't conflict with my higher values. So I am definitely going to always have a small build, but I can get stronger, and some more mass/definition. I'm well on my way to a very good "ripped" look.
I haven't had this problem yet on the alpha program. I have felt very alpha with all sorts of females without a second thought about my body, but I guess it was only a matter of time before it came up (it's been dormant in my subconscious). So I guess all I can really do is work out, and then deal with the resistance. I imagine pretty soon I won't care too much about my mass, as long as I am strong and fit and healthy.
On another note, my attitude has definitely changed. If this bully did to me what he did to me in high school (pick me up in the locker room and carry me out of hte locker room, with the girl I liked outside in the gym witnessing it, simultaneously becoming more attracted to him as days go on while losing all respect for me)... I would at this moment definitely punch him in the face, or at the very least, look him square in the eye and tell him not to treat me like that, etc. something I never would've had the courage to do. Likely, that wouldn't end well for me ( at all) but the fact that my attitude has shifted on this program to stand up for myself is nice.
Other than this -- I have been feeling increasingly alpha. As far as socializing at the family party it was a whole distinctly new level, where I felt like I owned the whole place. Great feeling.
The same thing came up for me last night, in a way different way. I was at a family party, and I got on a scale, which I haven't done in a good year or so. I weigh 115 pounds and I am 5'7". I have weighed the same since 8th grade.. I eat a lot of food, and I now do bodyweight exercises (Convict Conditioning). I can't afford the time/money to go to a gym.
This brought up a huge insecurity, remembering getting bullied a bit in high school.. After reliving these memories, I had a desire once again to build mass... But building mass goes against my values, because with my build I would basically have to eat 4000-5000 calories a day to really build, and that is incredibly unhealthy and counterproductive to meditation/qigong. My health is more important than being big. So the desire to get bigger vs. the desire to progress spiritually are at odds, and the spirituality will definitely win. However, I have decided to ramp up the intensity of my exercises to maximize gains... Found a great workout, that should be at a new level. I'll be eating well, a lot of protein, etc. But there is only so much I can realistically do that doesn't conflict with my higher values. So I am definitely going to always have a small build, but I can get stronger, and some more mass/definition. I'm well on my way to a very good "ripped" look.
I haven't had this problem yet on the alpha program. I have felt very alpha with all sorts of females without a second thought about my body, but I guess it was only a matter of time before it came up (it's been dormant in my subconscious). So I guess all I can really do is work out, and then deal with the resistance. I imagine pretty soon I won't care too much about my mass, as long as I am strong and fit and healthy.
On another note, my attitude has definitely changed. If this bully did to me what he did to me in high school (pick me up in the locker room and carry me out of hte locker room, with the girl I liked outside in the gym witnessing it, simultaneously becoming more attracted to him as days go on while losing all respect for me)... I would at this moment definitely punch him in the face, or at the very least, look him square in the eye and tell him not to treat me like that, etc. something I never would've had the courage to do. Likely, that wouldn't end well for me ( at all) but the fact that my attitude has shifted on this program to stand up for myself is nice.
Other than this -- I have been feeling increasingly alpha. As far as socializing at the family party it was a whole distinctly new level, where I felt like I owned the whole place. Great feeling.
