Disconnect from negativity within

[mat422]

Listened to overcome fear guilt and shame last night. Still not sure if what I figured out today was a result of that or my switch in thinking these past few days.

Anyway. I don't think anyone ever told me it was ok to have fears as a kid. I mean every kid growing up is different, everyone tends to want to see the perfect mold of extroverted outgoing brave kids. Sometimes it just doesn't work out that way. I've realized that it's less about the fear for me, and more about what the fear means. In this case, I've always felt defective for not being able to measure up to a lot of other kids around me. So every time I've had fear triggered in my life it brought on feelings of shame and guilt for being that way. And I look at why I want fear gone from my life and realized that fear causes me to think of myself as less of a person. And it's a very bad cycle. They feed into each other and cause a loop that makes it almost impossible to escape out of.

I'm gonna say something I absolutely hate saying, but it's the truth. I care too much what people think about me. I've said in the past that I don't really care, but the truth is I do. Deep down I guess I'm terrified of what others think, but I think that's because I don't feel good about myself in the first place. So any further attention that could possibly be brought on myself just adds more fuel to the fire. And thinking about it, it's really only worrying about possible negative things they may say. And even then it's not exactly what they say to me, it's what I say to myself when that happens.

So what this all means to me is, my really harsh approach to getting better was actually doing the opposite. The more I got upset that I was afraid, the more I wanted to beat it, and the only reason I wanted to beat it is because I felt like less of a person for experiencing all of it and having trouble with it. Now I'm coming from a place of thinking that it's unfortunate that I'm afflicted with these fears, but I'm doing my best to get better and it's ok if some days I have trouble.

I think the most important thing I realized is that healing all of this has to start with me showing compassion for myself. That's what I was missing in the past and it stunted my own personal growth.

Your growth and achievements make me proud to be able to watch you grow. You're always trying, and you don't give up. And in refusing to give up, you always make progress, even if it's not all at once. So nice to see someone who cares enough to make the difference, even for themselves. Keep going.

Thanks Shannon it means a lot. Especially when I've got my days where things seem a little dark. I've had my moments where it's hard to see past the way things are, but I realized they are going to happen and it's best not to beat myself up over them like I did in the past.

I know you said at one time that I set the bar too high for myself. I remember reading that and agreeing with it, but not really getting it. Now I really get it, I was being so unrealistic with my expectations and feeling like if I wasn't at that point I wasn't good enough. Honestly that bar was at an impossible level of perfection, I'd throw away my whole life trying to achieve that and still never reach it.