My mind was screaming at me today to go back to the speakers and abandon the headphones. But ultimately it's my choice and I'm going to stick with headphones.
Looking back on my other post about everything, that was just me spewing out all the garbage that's been floating around in my head lately. And I think, I tend to feel bad about feeling bad sometimes. I have guilt when I'm depressed or feeling down. And sometimes I forget that I'm not just doing nothing and giving up. I'm listening to these subliminals and going through a transition and changing for the better.
But it's been a common theme in my life, I see where I want to be and it's a slow journey there. I've been seeing change, but it's relatively small change and I keep comparing it to the big picture and coming up short. I keep feeling like I'm making excuses and not trying hard enough. But I'm giving it all I've got even when it doesn't look like much.
The bad days, they just really blind me to the possibilities and success I can have. I can't make heads or tails of it sometimes. I think I've moved past it, but it comes back to haunt me another day. And when I'm like this everything becomes untrue. Like all my progress was just an illusion and I'm just lying to myself so I don't have to face the painful truth of still being stuck in the same place. It sounds so ridiculous, but it's like one of those faulty beliefs I can't shake. I start becoming more worried about what I'm going to do with my life and if I'll be stuck like this forever.
I think I'm going to try antidepressants. I've been opposed to medication for a while now and I've always said it's a last resort. I have had suicidal thoughts in the past, but ultimately I was just looking for an escape. And I realized that life can get better, I just need to hold on. Right now so much of my energy is being directed at controlling my own thinking and emotions and not falling into a worse state. Even if I just use antidepressants as a crutch to pull myself together and get my life back on track, I guess that's ok. I'm not even sure if pulling myself back together is even a good term. Ever since I was 13 I've always felt this painful feeling that I assumed others felt and just were better at overcoming it. It never really left me, I just got really good at coping with it. So honestly I'm not sure how much I buy the chemical imbalance thing, but my family has a history of mental disorders that may cause me to be predisposed to it. Is it possible? Maybe. It's hard to tell these things.
Looking back on my other post about everything, that was just me spewing out all the garbage that's been floating around in my head lately. And I think, I tend to feel bad about feeling bad sometimes. I have guilt when I'm depressed or feeling down. And sometimes I forget that I'm not just doing nothing and giving up. I'm listening to these subliminals and going through a transition and changing for the better.
But it's been a common theme in my life, I see where I want to be and it's a slow journey there. I've been seeing change, but it's relatively small change and I keep comparing it to the big picture and coming up short. I keep feeling like I'm making excuses and not trying hard enough. But I'm giving it all I've got even when it doesn't look like much.
The bad days, they just really blind me to the possibilities and success I can have. I can't make heads or tails of it sometimes. I think I've moved past it, but it comes back to haunt me another day. And when I'm like this everything becomes untrue. Like all my progress was just an illusion and I'm just lying to myself so I don't have to face the painful truth of still being stuck in the same place. It sounds so ridiculous, but it's like one of those faulty beliefs I can't shake. I start becoming more worried about what I'm going to do with my life and if I'll be stuck like this forever.
I think I'm going to try antidepressants. I've been opposed to medication for a while now and I've always said it's a last resort. I have had suicidal thoughts in the past, but ultimately I was just looking for an escape. And I realized that life can get better, I just need to hold on. Right now so much of my energy is being directed at controlling my own thinking and emotions and not falling into a worse state. Even if I just use antidepressants as a crutch to pull myself together and get my life back on track, I guess that's ok. I'm not even sure if pulling myself back together is even a good term. Ever since I was 13 I've always felt this painful feeling that I assumed others felt and just were better at overcoming it. It never really left me, I just got really good at coping with it. So honestly I'm not sure how much I buy the chemical imbalance thing, but my family has a history of mental disorders that may cause me to be predisposed to it. Is it possible? Maybe. It's hard to tell these things.
