12-12-2012, 06:32 PM
This is going to be a little rant or vent about what I'm currently facing. I'm 21 now, over the years I've gradually come to realize adulthood in a painful and very depressing way. When I was a kid there was all this talk about finding your passion in life, following your dreams, never getting stuck in a job you hate. That I had all this freedom to be and achieve anything I wanted. Growing up my social anxiety crushed what little happiness I had in life, left me unable to function or hold down a job, decreased my own self worth, and left me with a longing to experience life like everyone else.
I feel like I don't have dreams or ambitions. I just want to live a life that isn't full of suffering. I see people get stuck in jobs they hate, work paycheck to paycheck just to feed themselves and get by. I tell myself I don't want to live like that. But honestly, I don't think I have a choice. I can talk about what life should be like, how to never let fear dictate your life, never settling, etc. but the fact is, most of the time I'm just all talk. My actions have yet to manifest in life. I feel aware of it all, but still powerless to stop it.
Maybe that's just heavy resistance from the subliminal popping up. I'm just really trying to get by and move past everything. I have brief moments of clarity where I feel capable. But then it's only the smallest steps towards something like sending out a resume or making one phone call to an employer. Yeah it's a step in the right direction, but it's not enough and I'm just frustrated beyond belief that I'm afflicted with all this difficulty in my life. Even if it's all just mental and a product of my own mind, it doesn't detract from my struggle with it.
This whole post sounds like a bit of a downer, but I'm just feeling overwhelmed lately. I thought I had things sorted out and I felt good for a while. I was going to go back to college and get a bachelors degree, just so my resume could look better. It's just a necessary evil in the business world. No matter how much I protest how college is a money making business, it doesn't change the fact that employers will literally toss out your resume if you don't have a 4 year degree. But then I realized even if I got out I'd still have to look for a job, still have to put myself out there, still have to pay off tremendous student loans, and I just lost it. I hate to admit it but I'm crushed relatively easily by obstacles. I wish I could just freeze time and use these subliminals until I had the right mindset to navigate this crazy world.
And then I stop to wonder, is it really all me? Or is the system just beyond screwed up and being that I've already got some difficulties it just makes it that much harder.
I'm gonna try to feel better tomorrow. But to leave this post with a positive note to balance out the negative. I stayed consistent to my workout routine, so at least I'm taking care of my physical health. It has boosted my energy level and made me feel healthier, so I can be thankful for that. My parents are sympathetic of my situation and doing their best to help me out, so I'm grateful for awesome parents. I'm continuing to grow as a person, even if I can't see it, so at least I have to give myself a pat on the back for continually trying to improve instead of settling for defeat. That's about it, my life isn't full of tremendously positive things, but I'm thankful for the few things I do have.
I feel like I don't have dreams or ambitions. I just want to live a life that isn't full of suffering. I see people get stuck in jobs they hate, work paycheck to paycheck just to feed themselves and get by. I tell myself I don't want to live like that. But honestly, I don't think I have a choice. I can talk about what life should be like, how to never let fear dictate your life, never settling, etc. but the fact is, most of the time I'm just all talk. My actions have yet to manifest in life. I feel aware of it all, but still powerless to stop it.
Maybe that's just heavy resistance from the subliminal popping up. I'm just really trying to get by and move past everything. I have brief moments of clarity where I feel capable. But then it's only the smallest steps towards something like sending out a resume or making one phone call to an employer. Yeah it's a step in the right direction, but it's not enough and I'm just frustrated beyond belief that I'm afflicted with all this difficulty in my life. Even if it's all just mental and a product of my own mind, it doesn't detract from my struggle with it.
This whole post sounds like a bit of a downer, but I'm just feeling overwhelmed lately. I thought I had things sorted out and I felt good for a while. I was going to go back to college and get a bachelors degree, just so my resume could look better. It's just a necessary evil in the business world. No matter how much I protest how college is a money making business, it doesn't change the fact that employers will literally toss out your resume if you don't have a 4 year degree. But then I realized even if I got out I'd still have to look for a job, still have to put myself out there, still have to pay off tremendous student loans, and I just lost it. I hate to admit it but I'm crushed relatively easily by obstacles. I wish I could just freeze time and use these subliminals until I had the right mindset to navigate this crazy world.
And then I stop to wonder, is it really all me? Or is the system just beyond screwed up and being that I've already got some difficulties it just makes it that much harder.
I'm gonna try to feel better tomorrow. But to leave this post with a positive note to balance out the negative. I stayed consistent to my workout routine, so at least I'm taking care of my physical health. It has boosted my energy level and made me feel healthier, so I can be thankful for that. My parents are sympathetic of my situation and doing their best to help me out, so I'm grateful for awesome parents. I'm continuing to grow as a person, even if I can't see it, so at least I have to give myself a pat on the back for continually trying to improve instead of settling for defeat. That's about it, my life isn't full of tremendously positive things, but I'm thankful for the few things I do have.
