12-06-2012, 10:20 AM
I think I might be getting better. Today I woke up feeling better and ready to tackle the fear more. Like I can start moving forward again. I usually have a lot of anxiety looking for jobs and sending out my resume, but I feel like I don't have a block from doing that anymore, so I'm going to focus on job searching today.
I kind of feel like I have my good days and bad days. On my good days I feel like I can handle this stuff and I've got control over my life. On my bad days I feel like I need some outside help. This has been a recurring theme in my life, which is probably why I'm always reluctant to visit a therapist because I have a few days of feeling good. But regardless I'm still going to see one.
It's like stop and go for me kind of. I can have days where it's doable and what fear I have I can push through. And then some days where I have trouble doing that. I don't like waiting stuff out, because the common consensus is that it's better to keep pushing and moving past everything. But I feel like pushing too much I recoil back into my comfort zone and it makes things worse. Sometimes it's just better to give myself some space for a couple of days and then I have more strength to do something. It's like hyping myself up never really did much, it always has to come from within when I'm ready and then I have some real confidence behind it instead of faking it.
And I realized one more thing. A lot of my fear surrounding jobs is being fired or feeling like it's the end of the world if I screw something up. I realized I might have trouble with taking jobs too seriously. Like life or death seriousness. But when I look around at all the slackers or incompetent people that still hold onto their jobs it makes me feel more relaxed. I think maybe that's my perfectionism, every business has mistakes and that's taken into account most the time.
In general I feel like I take life way too seriously. I'm not sure, but I have a feeling it might be due to my parents financial worries while I was growing up. My dad would get stressed at bills, come home and tell me to not get stuck working a job like him and to find something I really want to do in life. Just a lot of fear about my life not being in control and being in debt. I just wonder how I would feel if both my parents were in a profession they enjoyed and were making good money, enough not to worry about it.
I kind of feel like I have my good days and bad days. On my good days I feel like I can handle this stuff and I've got control over my life. On my bad days I feel like I need some outside help. This has been a recurring theme in my life, which is probably why I'm always reluctant to visit a therapist because I have a few days of feeling good. But regardless I'm still going to see one.
It's like stop and go for me kind of. I can have days where it's doable and what fear I have I can push through. And then some days where I have trouble doing that. I don't like waiting stuff out, because the common consensus is that it's better to keep pushing and moving past everything. But I feel like pushing too much I recoil back into my comfort zone and it makes things worse. Sometimes it's just better to give myself some space for a couple of days and then I have more strength to do something. It's like hyping myself up never really did much, it always has to come from within when I'm ready and then I have some real confidence behind it instead of faking it.
And I realized one more thing. A lot of my fear surrounding jobs is being fired or feeling like it's the end of the world if I screw something up. I realized I might have trouble with taking jobs too seriously. Like life or death seriousness. But when I look around at all the slackers or incompetent people that still hold onto their jobs it makes me feel more relaxed. I think maybe that's my perfectionism, every business has mistakes and that's taken into account most the time.
In general I feel like I take life way too seriously. I'm not sure, but I have a feeling it might be due to my parents financial worries while I was growing up. My dad would get stressed at bills, come home and tell me to not get stuck working a job like him and to find something I really want to do in life. Just a lot of fear about my life not being in control and being in debt. I just wonder how I would feel if both my parents were in a profession they enjoyed and were making good money, enough not to worry about it.
